I am. At least I meet the definitin of it- if you keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome...that is insanity. And based on the comments above, it is.

I cannot seem to get Therapists to call me back. I have tried the list the insurance gave me. No call backs. Several messages left with the ones that are within commuting distance-by public transportation since that is what I would need to take from work. This is DC, high stress area, extremely busy and I know docs do not like carrier. I know I make too much to qualify for free help. So I will continue to try to help myself.

Did get into a discussion about enmeshment with dh yesterday. He said that years ago he 'read a book that discussed adult relationships'. He then described an ideal that was a really enmeshed relationship with no separate identity! Even though he said that the partners were separate individuals, their actions weren't--everything was for the 'us'or partnership ideal, nothing for the individual. They gave up their self for the 'us'. He couldn't tell me the book or author, or even when he read the book. But what he was describing, I flat out told him went against EVERY healthy ideal I had read about. I told him that in a healthy relationship, each individual remains a separate individual as well as a partner. That they don't give up ALL of themself to the partnership. He agreed verbaly, but his actions don't agree. He is quick to act differently. When I told him that I feel that he attacks me all the time, well, since I used the word "all" that opened up a can of worms. I changed it to 'a lot of the time'-but he doesn't like the picture. I told him that I don't speak freely to him, that I measure my words first and think about his reaction. Is marriage suppose to be this hard at this stage? I never thought so.

And yet, he started the day-once I got up from being sick saying that he was going to file for a divorce. Cause he couldn't take my changing moods anymore. what really triggered it was that I couldn't lay in his arms the night before, I was starting not to feel well-and when I held his hand-I held it wrong and hurt it. And I didn't provide the right kind of empathy to his needs. He had grumbled but I didn't read it as something I needed to respond to. But he didn't tell me what he needed-I was suppose to be a mind reader, and yesterday I told him that. He didn't like that. I think that this part of my journal should be titled "Death of a Marriage".