Doc changed dh meds and that change is doing something mentally and physically and I don't like it one bit. (neither does he!) The mental aspect I can handle, the physical is harder, everynight his legs hurt him-these are ghost pains-he has had sever neuropathy in both legs for over 10 years, that is why he is in the wheel chair. Neither one of us is getting any real sleep-first the change was making him go to the bathroom every hour or so, and now the pains. He is calling doc today. Lack of sleep is really telling on him. He was up and down all night again-of course I woke up each time...then he blamed me for not having enough room on the bed. I had kicked covers off because it was too warm and they were pushed between us.

But something else happened this weekend. This caused an argument between us. It dealt with privacy and the bathroom. I didn't even realize what was happening.

Growing up I didn't have privacy of space until I was 16 or 17. Don't know why my mother didn't trust me in the bathroom or bedroom but those doors were NEVER closed unless we had company.(sister did not have same constraints.) In our apartment now, we keep the door open because if we don't it gets too hot too fast-especially with the changing season. Well, I got involved reading a book dh has in there and was in the bathroom longer than I needed to be and dh made a comment. Since he had reheated leftovers for my lunch, he was concerned cause they were cold again.(yes it is a good book and it was a long time!) I got upset because he made a comment about hearing something I did and I went off on a 'lack of privacy.' He tried to explain that he wasn't trying to keep track of me... and he backed off. But the arguement didn't stop. I made comments on how he seems to know everything I did in the apartment, always watching type of action-always analyzing my every move, word, expression. This was probably not the best way to do it. His action triggered the memory of lack of privacy growing up. It took alot for it to come out in the open. It is now something I can deal with and manage.

But alot of things came out. DH has always been this way-he is constantly hyper aware of his environment-his guard never goes down. Mine does. I am home, I am not watching his every move, frankly at times I could care less-let him do what he wants to do! His watchfulness comes from two sources-1-is he going to need to do something fast to avoid danger, and 2 can he make my life better somehow. I asked him why after over 30 years does number 1 still come into play? He couldn't answer-it just does. He never shut it off as we grew as a couple, so he never truly trusted me not to hurt him. - Oh, I just realized this part. This is not what I was going to journal about. This is something he has to deal with. I have never given him a reason not to trust me. He has done it to himself.