I am calmer. My body isn't reacting quite so dramatically, thank you very much. My boundaries are firm. If he was physically abusing me, if he used recreational drugs, if he cheated on me-no brainers there-we would be separated in a heartbeat. The one time he lifted his hand I told him go ahead and the walk on out and don't plan on seeing the kids. That stopped him cold. That was over 27 years ago.

But the type of problem he has is different, and before I recognized it as a problem, it was full blown. Yes, TopsyTurvy saw it for what it was long before I did, and I never listened-or I did, but never saw it. Major part of the problem-I grew up with the same type of the behavior/treatment or something real close so it was 'normal' to me. It felt like love. And it is a version- a very cloying version, but it is a version. And today I had a revelation. You all remember the afghan that I was going to crochet for my daughter-the trees with the branches entwined, and how I was having a problem with it-well, I figured out the problem. That picture is a perfect picture of enmeshment. And I don't want to give her that symbol for her bed. So now I see it. And now I have to give him an example of true love.

True love. We all look for it. Books have been written about it. Lives have been lost for it. But it is not suffocating, it is freeing. It is not hopeless, it is hopefull. It is not demanding, but giving. It is not sacrificial, but accepting. It is doing, but not saying or expecting. It is helpful, not controlling. It waits to be asked, does not overpower. It is peaceful, but powerful. It is not weak, it does not simper in the corner-but stands for itself. It defends but not attacks.

I see my DH break down and cry because he cannot contain the guilt, sorrow, fear, shame(?) inside. He grasps tighter since he did not have any love in his life before me. He has expressed this to me explicitly.

His mother was not the most loving person to him-he cannot remember anything positive from childhood before her death when he was 14. On the morning she died, she was sick in bed and he went to kiss her goodbye before going to school. He remembers saying to an adult, 'my mother's dying'. They told him no. She was rushed to the hospital that day with phneumonia so severe that she had 7 abcesses on her lungs. She died before school let out at 3. His dad worked 3 jobs to keep up with the mom's spending habits. (and she kept up with her sisters & mom). After her death, he got hit with credit card bills that he didn't even know where the stores wore. Then they were kicked out of the house they lived in because it belonged to the mom's family. And on that day, any gifts given to them the previous Christmas were taken back. A aunt took the watch off of his wrist while he was waiting for the school bus. My husband was 14, his sister 12, brother 7. I think that they are all messed up. His dad did love them, but work took over, they lived with his relatives for awhile, and 14 year old had to grow up faster than he had emotional capability for. Got in trouble for punishing younger brother but if younger brother did wrong, would get in trouble for that too. So at 18 joined ARMY. Grew up. Then met me.

And when I met Father in Law-he said I looked like mother. Scared me because of adoption background and genetic heritage, but was safe there.

So, I think that in many ways I get not only husband love, I get the love a son gives his mommy. (I know that love from my son! definately different flavor!)

I think that the types of love get crossed. I think that as my DH gets older, the wires cross a little. It is up to me to uncross those wires. The only way is to keep it going is to keep my Boundaries firm, to understand myself, and to stand up to him when things get too crazy. And to continue writing here, because getting all this out in black & white (or whatever color I use that month) keeps me sane!! Not to mention the feedback from you all.

I do post on the other site occaisionally, but I find that it can get very negative if I am there too much, and cause a negative feedback loop in my brain. You will give me both that a girls and stop its at the same time!! Thank you.