Relationships are difficult. Wether they are friends, siblings, children, parents, spouses, coworkers or strangers meeting for the first time, people need to be related to you. How do they fit with you? How do you fit with them? Do you blend into the background? Do you stand out? Do you smile for no reason or do you have a 'sad sack' face? Are you willing talk to everyone? Do you ignore everyone? Do you talk to the person in line in front of you, or just to your spouse? What do you talk about? Do you just stand there and stare ahead of you? AND WHY DO YOU BEHAVE THIS WAY?

For most of my life, I stood behind people. Walking into a room where I didn't know anyone was terrifying. The first day of the school year was a long day of never ending fear. And when 'jr high' started and I was starting school with kids that I didn't know all over again, and we were changing classes every subject so, 30 kids x 7 different classes mean 210 strangers that first day. Of course, I found out that I knew a few of them, but not all of them were in class with me. And then had to do it all over again when 9th grade (high school) started. I read alot!!

As a junior in high school, I had an English Teach who still taught public speaking even though that subject had been removed from the curriculumn. (TT remember her? I can't recall her name?) Thank heavens for her. She rearranged seating so that the talkers and readers intermingled; she made shy students sit with the popular kids. Smart old bird she was. And she didn't assign a topic, but let you pick out what you wanted to talk about and bring items to show about it. I was a geek, a Trekkie geek who had good friends that were Trekkie geeks, that had a model of the Enterprise.... And I found out that talking in front of a group of people wasn't really that hard after all. And that the kids that I thought didn't like me, the ones that rarely talked to me, well, they were somehow shy too. How weird was that? You mean I wasn't alone in that? It was a revelation to me. At that point, my intervert personality was starting to shift a little. (still interverted but not so extreme!)

Then life goes on. Made decisions that I look back on now and think "WHAT THE H*LL WERE YOU THINKING?"
Then I started working. I learned to talk back. I swung a chef's knife at my boss when he pinched my behind. (his father was the owner of the company and saw the whole thing. told the son he was lucky I didn't cut him, and wouldn't have blamed him if I did!lol!) Eventually I joined the ARMY. Continued to grow.

But still the intervert is still there. There are times when she raises her head, and the doubt comes back. 'who are you?' she asks. 'why would people want to talk to you' and I want to cower. and the whispers grow. This is the fight I have for myself. What is my worth to other people?

This is the question I think that I never answered. I don't really know the answer. And that is the basis of the fear I have at times. There are times when a part of me says, "who gives a damn!" but inside, I think we all do. I am learning, slowly, to know my own worth. But I can honestly say that my daughter knows her worth better than I know mine. And until I know mine, I will always have fear that I won't be able to manage. I do know that no one can give me the answer. I have to find it myself.

THE KEY IS THAT: I AM LOOKING!!!