If you don't want to read, don't. You can say, I told you so.

Yesterday my DH met me at the bus with the news that the wheelchair repair person was due in about 10-15 minutes. OK, that is unusual. Usually they try to see him earlier in the day to aviod DC rush hour. Anyway, that meant that the normal afternoon routine was interuppted. About 30 minutes after we got back to the apartment, repair person came. Dh met him in the hallway. It was a good hour or so later, DH came back in with the news that the wheelchair was being taken away for repairs and didn't know when it would return. It is now close to 6:30.

We lay down to talk for a little but it is too late to do much more than just talk. For some reason he is very emotional. He wants to separate our funds-to the extreme. I don't really want to do that after 32 years of it being a joint effort. (As it is, he has gotten mixed up with paying rent out of the wrong account twice within the last 4 months. The last time was right before vacation. found out when we got back-yikes!)

He is not happy with me. I know it. He doesn't understand why my female problems are stopping or rather inhibiting my libido. And he doesn't understand why the more he pushes the less I feel like doing anything. Or he goes the extreme opposite and then "we are not doing anything until everything with you is resolved!" But I still get the passive aggressive treatment, the "I can't sleep because...". Now I feel like saying, "Oh grow up. You are not a teenage boy in the midst of hormonal changes!! You do have some self control Don't you?" Actually, I think I have asked him about his self control a couple of times within the past couple of weeks. His behavior/language was disrespectful and I reacted. He didn't like that.

Then we got up and again ordered something for supper-I am tired of that part of the routine. When it came, he put in a movie..."The Way We Were". I had never seen it. Neither had he. Did not leave him in the best mood. Then he couldn't fall asleep-and apparently, it was my fault.

I didn't hold onto that. I love him. But I am so tired of this. Of being told that I am selfish. Of being told that I am taking care of just 'me' instead of 'us'. When I try to tell him that I can't take care of 'us' without taking care of 'me', he doesn't understand it. Because I am not taking care of him. I want more. I am reading more again, and eating the wrong things-candy and snacks. Mindless eating-escape eating. Not good.

He wants me to 'decide' what movies we watch, what we eat for supper etc. but not decide to get a major credit card. I actually got a credit card that makes sense to. It is from Bank of America-cash back award system. We have a joint account with them. The offer came in my name with correct spelling (very unusual). I am thinking about it. He is upset about it. Because he wouldn't have control over it or where the cash back goes to. Only I would-he doesn't like that. If I get the job and funds increase, things will change because I cannot be held back anylonger. I need freedom to do things and grow again.

On the positive note-I am crocheting again. Smoothly. Peacefully. Strongly. And writing a little. Mainly here at work-during lunch and sometimes when I have to sit at other secretary's desks and there is no real work.

No responses are needed. I need to be strong in this. I am not his playdoll.

Now he says via email that at times he feels 'fragile'.

So I now know that when he acts out, he is feeling fragile, and he acts out when I am either sticking to my guns, or when I have a problem. Or both. Hmmm-so I am not suppose to be strong or have problems at all. Just be a weak little woman. That is not who he married. I guess we are going to have a real good weekend. ;)