The song never changes. Skip this if you want. I just have to type it out.

Last night started out fine-we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday's and everything was ok. No one showed up for crocheting, but that is my fault since I have not been going to church so why should they come. We left early and walked to the furthest bus stop from the church (Dh thinking why get on for 2 blocks) and caught that bus. My legs hurt. Walking to the slower pace actually hurts more than walking to DH's wheelchair. Time to get serious about working out.

Anyway, when we got home I picked up packages that were waiting. Found out that Jessica London clothes are sized larger than Romans-items have to be returned as too big. Except for the boots-wide calf not wide enough:(. Then I opened the package that contained the checks for MY checking account. I didn't ask DH to leave the room. I said what they were, he left saying "I'll leave to give you privacy (pronounced the British way)." Then he continued with a snarky "let me know what room you are going to be in and I'll be in a different room." I should have done that.

I asked why he left the room because he was witchy, he said I told him that I didn't want him to know anything about the account and I was saying account information out loud. OK, why did he have to be snarky about it? I know, he's 8.
I didn't ask him that question. Because what I had told him was that he didn't have the right to know when I made a deposit, how much I deposited or how much was in the account. He added the other statement in on his own. Then the discussion went on to 'his account' and my help and why. I tried to stop it. By this time I had the beginnings of a migraine and he knew it. And he kept on, even after he said he would stop and that I needed to go to bed. And it went on.

We finally headed to bed, my head it throbbing. I start taking my meds with my migraine pills and he talks about me not making it today. Uh, I have to make it today. Then I start getting cold. And apparently I am not laying right in his arms. And instead of him saying anything he says he has to get up because he can't take it anymore and it is my fault. I ask if he can put the afghan on the bed. My migraine is still in effect, and then he's mad because I am not jumping up to take care of him! Sorry, I am taking care of myself. And I don't feel guilty.

This is the first time I didn't feel guilty about taking care of myself first. I didn't jump out of bed to convince him to come back to bed. He is an adult. He did come back to bed on his own about an hour or so later-if that long. At 3 this morning, he woke up complaining that I was pushing him off the bed. Nope, the afghan had built up between us. He said he felt my arm pushing him. What he doesn't know was that I had woken up and turned on my back, my arm was over my head! Oh, and I was snoring in his ear. He got up and went to the bathroom. I turned on my side and went back to sleep. He's was still muttering about only having 12inches of the bed. No, he didn't-he had the full half plus some. I told him, then we need to get a king size mattress.

This morning when I called him he told me a dream he had-as if it was real-and is blaming me for it! TT, unfortunately was in it. In the dream I was joining everything that came along. Then when confronted by DH, I raised my arm to DH to hit him. I then denied it saying, "You can ask DS, I'm not joining everything. I didn't raise my arm to DH!" And then I was leaving. I think this dream is just reflecting everything my DH is fearing. Me hurting him, me leaving him.

You know, when his mother died, my FIL received lots of bills from clothing stores-things bought on credit that he didn't know about. I wonder if my DH is equating my changes as a form of 'untrust worthiness' similar to this. It was a shock to him. He will need to learn to retrust me. I am the same person, I am just reclaiming myself.

As far as the crochet meeting goes-it is my own fault. I let myself get lost. I cannot expect people to attend if I don't show interest in them outside of crochet. DH doesn't quite get that connection. I forgot it. Talk about being self-centered! I guess its about time I remembered there is a whole world out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!