I am grateful to have my job. I am happy to have my job. I know that I have a "leave issue". I have health issues that if I weren't in a government job and tenured I probably would have been let go a long time ago. I am working on handling that issue to the best of my ability. I deal with my husbands crap and know that if I were a different person, a stronger person or a person with a different outlook, I would probably walk away from this relationship. At this point, I could not live with the possible outcome. I know myself well enough to know how guilt weight on me, so I stay. And that all affects my health. And so the circle continues with my leave.

Except for some reason, something is changing within me, I am dealing with things differently. Instead of getting sick, I am now getting angry and displaying my anger outward. B is hearing it, and is hearing the "I don't believe that you don't remeber me telling you I don't like it when you say that to me. I have told you that numerous times before."

It happened last night and this morning. And I am not reacting the same way. I didn't toss and turn all night, I didn't cry, this is his problem to deal with. He admitted that it was, and I told him that if he needed help, it was beyond my ability. He needed to go talk to a professional. He didn't like that and is refusing. UP TO HIM TO HANDLE. I can only do so much. It is his problem, not mine. It did bleed over to this morning and made it later than I wanted. Then he claimed he had a seizure during the night. Now, its that when we 'talk' only my issues get resolved.

So, maybe things are changing. More than I realized. The heartstrings are there, but the guilt isn't. Except I still worry about the unsaid words. The ones he use to say a lot until I put down the boundary of calling 911. He hasn't said the words anymore, I just worry that he will do the action. But I can't control that-he is an adult and accountable for his own choices!!!!