Long talk yesterday afternoon revealed many important things. First don't think B will ever go to counseling in his lifetime. OK, that was a shocker. But it was not the most important thing. Most important thing was his understanding and my understanding of what happened this weekend. My understanding of his recital of things I said and did and his understanding were 180 degrees off from each other. He was trying to show how he didn't blow up when he was getting agravated or frustrated by little things-how his behavior improved. I was hearing something totlly different. Oh, well, lots of conversation ensued. Neither one of us wants to divorce. Neither one of us wants to continue with the hurt that gets to both of us. I told him that he doesn't have to report to ME what his behavior changes are, if he feels a need to show it-write it down for himself. If he really needs to tell me, make sure I REALLY KNOW THAT HE IS TELLING ME THAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT A CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR, NOT WHAT I HAVE DONE.

I told B all of the reasons that I stay: I love him, I don't want to hurt him, that he would be alone, that he would never be happy again etc. Some of these things he has told me and I told him that too. His response was that I was not to stay with him because of what his life would be like without me-that would not do either of us any good. This is the first time the discussion was this honest between us.

So right now, things are tentative. Honest discussions about what we want from and for each other. What we miss from our early years together and what we miss from each other when we see each other reacting to other people. This was more honest than any other discussion we have had.

Will we get a divorce? Who knows. But things will get better or it will be on the table. We both want the other person to be happy, and right now, neither of us truly are happy.