I am writing this from home. I used the excuse of my toe. I needed time alone, my body needs time alone. The house is totally quite. No radio, no tv, just the sounds of the fan in the background and the soft sounds of the cat and my typing. I can actually hear myself think as I type.

Since I don't have this site saved as a favorite, B won't find it. There was gaslighting done everyday this weekend and by last night I was calling black white and really thinking that it was all my fault. Of course, in the clear light of day, and separate from B, my mind cleared up again. Tonight a boundary will be laid down. Therapy for both of us. I have mentioned it to him, but that is the only way I can see us progressing. I need a break. This weekend it was B saying "I could have blown up when you said .... or did... but I didn't" only he kept it in till the end of the day when I didn't really remember the circumstance of doing or saying. Of course I am always wrong. I am tired of always being wrong, I sit on the couch, I don't want to move, I lack motivation to do any chores. In short, depression is winning out again, because if I move to do something it has to be done his way-laundry, dishes, cleaning. He wonders why the cat scurries away from him. I can tell him but I don't dare to. Not because he abuses her, but because of his treatment to me. She protects me when he is around. And when he isn't she sleeps on me.

This weekend B told me things about his childhood and what he was told repeatedly. "why were you born?" from his mother and her family. NO child should ever hear that. But he has never done any work to overcome that, and he doesn't want to. Some things he has said makes me think he has found the BPD site, and thinks that I have it. Just words and phrases here and there..similar to what my mother use to do when I would see a therapist. Spooky in many ways. He says,"from things he has read" but won't tell me were or what books, and no such books have been bought.

My toenail came off in the doctor's office yesterday. No real pain, just a twinge. Doc said I explained exactly what had happened perfectly, and handled it perfectly. There is new nail growth there, and it will take approximately 1 year for it to be back to normal. There was slight fungal growth, but he gave me medicine to take care of it. B was upset that I took care of it myself after my shower last night. Speaking of which, I need to take care of it now.

Well, I will need to go. I will let you all know how tonights talk goes. I can't continue going on like this. My body cannot take it anymore. I can't take it anymore.