B is scared. I didn't mean to scare him. I told him the truth. I love him. I cannot live like this anymore. Things have to change. I have to be myself all the time. He brought up that when I am with others I laugh, I talk freely, I am relaxed. When I am with him I am serious, I am quiet, I am tense most of the time. And I told him that he was correct and that is what I am talking about when I say that I have to be myself. I stopped being myself about 25 years ago when it became easier to give way than argue about everything. And I told him that if a matter wasn't life or death or super important to me, I gave in, even if I didn't agree with him. The shock in his eyes was amazing. I only argued when it was important. And even then, it happened every day. Then he asked if I was truly serious about leaving when I said it Tuesday. (this was yesterday) Again, I told him yes. I was also serious about working together to make this work.

He doesn't know what to do. I told him to be himself and be considerate. To remember everything that we have gone through, to not pick everything and argue, and improve without expecting pats on the back, journal it himself if he wants..and not jump at me. He is having trouble.

Yes, I want this to work. However, I am not backing down. I am not bending and he sees this. And this is what scares him, because by now I would have backed down and cried. Yes, I have shed some tears-but not taken back what I have said. I have not told him, "that is not what I meant."

He thinks that going out to eat and the movies, just the two of us, is enough socializing. That when I bring up going to church and related activities, its too much for him-broken promise. Major broken promise. Not like a "I'll do the dishes" and something comes up or I get sick, but a long term broken promise.

I am working with him, I am working on myself.

And cuddle time has evolved back to talking time-the way it needs to be. He is taking clues from me. Finally.