I am back. And time is input.

Jury duty is over-2 days of sitting and then not to be chosen, well time was not wasted..Finished reading an intriguing book-The Golden Key. A fantasy fiction based on Art, or I should say artists..I do not have the authors' names with me-3 female authors. There is a sequel that I need to get. It is a bit of a read and a thick paperback, but worth it. And it shadows European art and history too. Good grammar, syntax and story line all at the same time!

TT, to answer your question: I never posted your statements before, and still haven't now because my cubicle at work is open to anyone. And alot of what is posted will be too personal to have just anyone read. That is something that I have to be careful about. There are many that know something is up between B and I. It has already been noticed that we don't have lunch together, and comments have been made to him. I know some of the managers I deal with know something is up-sensitive remarks. Managers do talk to each other.

Last night we met with our bishop and talked. B brought up how he notices a change in me after I have "talked" to my friends. How my attitude is firmer, lessing giving.

I explained that one of these friends has been my friend since before high school and knows me very well. That she has seen my husband and I interact, has seen me go through this before. And has told me that even if I don't see it, that much of what I experience is abuse. Not physical, but abuse, nontheless. The bishop nodded.

And then he said, "She is your friend. She has your best interest at heart, she hears your side of things now, though she has seen the other side. She is protective of you. Good." Then he looked at B and said,"It is what it is. She is your wife's friend. She is helping your wife, and you might as well get use to it." Again, I was shocked. I thought the bishop was going to say something to the effect of "stop talking to the friends". Nope. Then B made a comment of "well, I got the missionaries." (for the first time in our marriage B invited people to our place for dinner-he use to say "NO". And it is for tonight)

You see, my friends, when you point out what I am doing-backsliding etc- I may try to excuse it here, but I go home with boundaries flying high and firm! Don't ask me why it works that way, it just does. You all remind me what I am fighting for. Myself.

Another thing that happened, the co-worker,L that had colon and liver cancer passed away Wednesday. B woke me up yesterday with that news. I was able to sleep late because of Jury duty. The world lost a very special person. Last night B and I were talking over dinner. It hit me that L lived 3 months from time she found out. Life is to short.

So I told B that I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want him to be unhappy for what ever time is left to us. If this attempt doesn't work, then that is it. He didn't take it well and brought it up to the Bishop. I told the Bishop that I have given my all two other times. This time I can feel a wall that stops me from giving as fully. There is a 'wait and see' block. I cannot help that. I want this to work-I mean 33 years is alot to give up on. But I don't want to go backward EVER AGAIN. I see small steps B is trying to do, but as I told the bishop, I can't see if it is for good. And that is what matters. And I cannot just step ahead blindly any more.

Bishop understood. Gave us a reading assignment-Matthew chapter 5-7. Its the Sermon on the Mount. Then we are stongly recommended to attend two Sunday meetings. April 1-General Conference "Morning Session" which begins at 12. And Easter Services. We will see what happens. After the General Conference there is a 'potluck' where people socialize. If we go to the Temple visitors center-which is where I want to go. We drive and arrive nicely. And B uses canes. And it will be comfortable.

So for now, it feels like I am marching in place. A very tiring exercise. I am seeing how money is really spent. Hmmm. Very interesting. All the extra money that goes for Chinese food, meals out etc. is really my paycheck. Only right now I have final say so, so if I say that I am not wanting to do something it is not getting done. OOOPs, a change for him.

Well, I just realized something. B invited people over without consulting me-for tonight. Apartment is not clean. I did not break my neck yesterday afternoon cleaning it. He's working from home today. He can clean it. I had no input as to the invite. I stopped doing that to him years ago.

Oh, and every Thursday I found a new place to go knit/crochet. We may eat out together, but he can't join me...place is on 2nd floor and he is to GO AWAY after we eat.