Life is funny. You think you have stuff figured out and life throws you a curve ball. You make a decision based on logic and what the numbers show, and your body betrays you. Hindsight is 50/50. Should I have taken the buyout?

At the time it was offered, my marriage was on the rocks. I wasn't sure it was going to last. I had a good job that would support me if a divorce was in the cards. The buyout wouldn't, and pensions still haven't been paid out yet to those who retired on that buyout. I had to pay back the sick leave advanced out of the buyout-a lot of the buyout would have gone there. Not taking it gave me a chance to pay it back over time. Even going out on disability lets me not pay it back-though I will pay taxes on the amount not paid back.

If I had to do it again, would I make the same decision? I don't know. My marriage is stable now. My husband's salary is covering all our bills for now. The house in Il will be lost in January or so, one way or the other.

Do I regret not taking the buyout? Not really. No one can tell what the future holds when they make decisions. They use the facts they have at hand. Yes, my health was a factor, but not the only factor.

So, for now, life is stable. Pain is an everyday part of life. For some days it is incompacitating, for other days life is relatively normal-I cannot tell which day is going to be which until I wake up. I have become very flexible in my plans. What I cannot change, I accept.