So yeah.

Lots of time has passed and I haven't written a thing. Not that I haven't meant to; I've started lots and lots of entries and then never gotten around to actually posting them. Many of them seemed redundant or uninteresting or I actually forgot that I hadn't posted it and then couldn't remember what I meant to say later. Heh.

Mostly what's been going on has been settling into the house, being mom and um...

Exactly.

I even started a post recently that I realized was way too similar to a previous post. Which started me thinking. As did the fact that I've been cooped up with a Chicken Pocked Dylan for the last week or so. And I've come to a few realizations:

My life has been dominated by fear and anger and the idea of "should".

Of course, many of my nearest and dearest are probably thinking, "ummm...yeah...you didn't know that??". And the answer is no, I didn't. Not to the extent that those things are controlling me.

So changes need to be made. I don't want Dylan to grow up with my (non) sense of self. Or the idea that she should hold herself back because of some stupid made up reason that she's not enough in some way. More than modeling for Dylan, though, I need these changes for me. I remember a time when I was mostly happy with, of course, periods here and there of ick (Life wouldn't be Life without the ick). And I miss the person I was and was on my way to becoming.

In Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk writes, "Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most." and, "The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."

Odd as the book is, these ideas made some sense. To do what I'm most afraid of is, ahem, really scary. And therefore, probably what I should be trying. I've done a few things lately that forced me out of my comfort zone (Oh Muh Gosh, I joined the PTA!! and a Book Club!!) and am trying to find ways every day of saying "I can" instead of "I can't".

It sounds much more impressive than it feels. The day to day is always more complicated that the end montage.

The trickier one is the anger. I haven't any idea how to not be so angry and/or get so angry all the time. At the dumbest things. Seriously. Like today, I found myself getting really worked up at the way people were parking in order to attend a garage sale across the street. Or at my child who was acting like, well, a child.



These are not easy tasks I've set myself. That which is hard and/or new makes me hide like an ostrich. But for my sanity, my health and my family...something has to give.


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Just Read:
*The Lovely Bones by Alice Seabold
*The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman
*Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

Reading:
*Just finished Invisible Monsters...

Going to Read:
*The Bolyen Experience by Phillipa Greggory
*Diary by Chuck Palahniuk