A Bit of Randomness
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. --Diane Arbus
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"It's a Dialectic"
So this has been an interesting few days for me.
1) This weekend was the 41st(!!!) annual block party on our new street
2) I joined a "social networking website"
One was a step into my future (new people, new connections, new situations) and one was several steps back (cause I've looked up everyone from my preschool friends to random crushes to people I couldn't stand).
The block party was really really fun. It honestly felt like I've moved onto the street I grew up on - lots of kids, adults who socialize on a regular basis, people spending time outside with each other. Way cool. And the fact that the friday night adult beer party has had the cops called on it a few times in the past (seriously, how loud do you have to be to have the police show up to a street wide party??)..well... yeah. While it was weird to be one of the "grown ups" (does anyone ever really get used to that?), it was cool to be out and about with a whole new group of people that don't know my history and stories already. I can be a different me with them, if you will.
But then, I spent how freakin' long looking up people from my past?? Which is weirdly addictive and highly annoying. I couldn't stop trying to find people I used to know - all the while asking myself WHY?? Seriously, what was the point? Do I want these people in my life now? If so - how? To check in with every few months or to say "hey, how're you?" or to become chummy chums? Am I just doing checks to see how I measure up comparatively? And if so, wtf?!? I was doing quite lovely, thank you very much, without checking out the chick that made my life hellish in junior high. Or without finding out that said preschool friend is doing stupid well with his life. Or knowing that my crushes really aren't pining away for me (sigh).
Mind you, there are a few people that I found online that made my heart ache in some way - the brother of my friend who passed away; the girl that I believed with all my heart would ALWAYS be one of my closest and dearest friends; people that meant the world to me so intensely and then just...went away.
Oy.
I've had this recurring...thought? fantasy? daydream? urge? I dunno what to call it. But lately, I'm always feeling like I need to stand on the edge and jump. No, not like jump and end it like off a building or a cliff. But it feels like that pregnant pause in a conversation; that part of the story just before the dramatic shift; like I'm on the verge. I suppose this is just one more piece of the puzzle.
1) This weekend was the 41st(!!!) annual block party on our new street
2) I joined a "social networking website"
One was a step into my future (new people, new connections, new situations) and one was several steps back (cause I've looked up everyone from my preschool friends to random crushes to people I couldn't stand).
The block party was really really fun. It honestly felt like I've moved onto the street I grew up on - lots of kids, adults who socialize on a regular basis, people spending time outside with each other. Way cool. And the fact that the friday night adult beer party has had the cops called on it a few times in the past (seriously, how loud do you have to be to have the police show up to a street wide party??)..well... yeah. While it was weird to be one of the "grown ups" (does anyone ever really get used to that?), it was cool to be out and about with a whole new group of people that don't know my history and stories already. I can be a different me with them, if you will.
But then, I spent how freakin' long looking up people from my past?? Which is weirdly addictive and highly annoying. I couldn't stop trying to find people I used to know - all the while asking myself WHY?? Seriously, what was the point? Do I want these people in my life now? If so - how? To check in with every few months or to say "hey, how're you?" or to become chummy chums? Am I just doing checks to see how I measure up comparatively? And if so, wtf?!? I was doing quite lovely, thank you very much, without checking out the chick that made my life hellish in junior high. Or without finding out that said preschool friend is doing stupid well with his life. Or knowing that my crushes really aren't pining away for me (sigh).
Mind you, there are a few people that I found online that made my heart ache in some way - the brother of my friend who passed away; the girl that I believed with all my heart would ALWAYS be one of my closest and dearest friends; people that meant the world to me so intensely and then just...went away.
Oy.
I've had this recurring...thought? fantasy? daydream? urge? I dunno what to call it. But lately, I'm always feeling like I need to stand on the edge and jump. No, not like jump and end it like off a building or a cliff. But it feels like that pregnant pause in a conversation; that part of the story just before the dramatic shift; like I'm on the verge. I suppose this is just one more piece of the puzzle.
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