Weather: overcast, but clearing to become later on a warm day as it has been for several days. WIndows open, fans turning, but I need to go close it all up now. Excuse me for jsut a few momentoes.

Reading: Ghost Country, Sarah Paretsky

Listening to in the car: my head

Do not read this thing today, this entry. It is crap.

My head is not working right. Mind, brain, cranial vessels -- none of that stuff. It hurts sometimes, though not as much as it did a week ago two weeks ago? when I binged on chocolate. Then the next day I woke to pain in my right temple and blindness in my right eye and nausea. and stayed home from work. I used to bypass the money when I did that since I did not severly need it and I have no sick leave from my employer, CheapBastardsR_Us, Inc, excuse me, I mean .org. So now that I DO severely need the money I take vacation pay and squander an entire day of it on being in bed. ALone. el suckoooooooooo.

ANd I am not going to eat chocolate any more ever again for the rest of my life no matter how good it smells or how avaiable it is. nonononono. The last time I did this it was the day before Easter and I thought I'd eat a few of those malt ball egss. god I love those. Or did. THere is not a lot of choclate on them, not a lot. They are mostly malt ball stuff. But when you eat 30 or 40 of them, it's a significant amount. After that time, I did not eat chocolate for two years. Two years. But then I backslid. 4:00 Easter morning I was already throwing up. Went to momndad's anyway as the kids wanted to go and went tobed over there. Suzy, who is usually a dear, wanted me up and out of bed and came in to wake me, and succeeded. ANd mom was mad at her, said I should be able to do whatever I wanted to do withouth Suzy butting in. Whatever I wanted to do, aziff I might want to spend the day trying not to throw up.

MOm can be a pain in the butt as any Mom can. but she's pretty good. I remember one time I was talking with a psychologist ( i have seena few of those in my day considering the problems with my head which were overwhelming at times before I found out I was broken and started taking DRUGS, I mean the prescribed kind instead of the self-prescibed alcohol for when I was up and caffeine for when I was down, or tastefuiel combinations thereof) talking with said psychologist type and mentioned my mther and how I wished I was near her and could talk with her, that there was no one like my mother. and he said that yes,it was pretty hard to beat the virgin Mary. DOlores, I told him, or decided that I should have told him later on. I miss so many snappy comebacks it's not even funny.

other times I make the remark that pops into my head whehther it's kind or not and when I was taking lithium, which I hope i never have to do again except I could probably use some now. I am not going to go to the hospital, I"m not that bad at all, no. ANyway, when I was taking lithium and was a zombie I made remarks, went ahead and said stuff that hurt people's feelings because I had none of my own. I coulnd't even cry at my daughter's wedding. Though if I'd known then how it'd turn out I might well have cried. Since then, off the lithium, I still ahve made remarks that were not kind. I am a Leo, like that is an excuse. I want everyone to love me, adore me, applaud me when I'm onstage (I'm always on stage) and when they don't, when they don't< i don't give a rip, I think to myself, but I do., For the sake of saying something funny I miss the mark very often. Making mean things come out of my mouth. One time I had this pseudo roommate, one of the nicest persons you could wish to share a bathroom with, and we were waiting, all of the group, for this roommate person to join us for some expedition or other and someone asked me, where was she and how long? and I anserwed, "she's jsut taking a shower. It should be less than an hour," Got a cold stare in reply. As was right.

I am taking somethign that helps with my ADD, mny supposed ADD, and I think it does. I am light-headed a lot of th etime, maybe from the meds, maybe from having my sinuses full of the stuff they get full of this time of year, maybe because I keep messing with my blood sugar by eating weird things or not eating. But NO MORE CHOLCLATE!! nononono

my head whirls around, thoughts and feeligns and plans and lists and stories, always stories. One particular story in my head, but As i meditated on it this morning, it's a crappy story. No plot. Well, there is, but it's a romance, goofy, writtten in the days before I ever fell in love and what did I know? So I hve been thinking on this story and the heroine has no major problem, nto even to her. She is getting what she always wanted though not everything she always wanted, and she wants a certian other thing but she is such a wishy wimpy type. I don't know. I have heard that you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything you want. I don't htink that I could ever be an olympic athlete, even if I wanted it very bad. Not even special olympics because I am not special enough. And a lot of people, most people, who liekt o write and long to be published, will nto be, and nto because they lack desire or skill but because of the gods.

Dont read this thing today. It is crap.