Well, I can't remember the last time I so looked forward to the promise of a New Year. Seriously, 2009, you can suck it. Having my income slashed, then losing the job altogether during the worst economic recession in my lifetime has been and is fucking terrifying. I'm so glad this year is almost over.

I just spent a little time reading my online journals from ten years ago. I am struck by how very honest I was, and by the brazen nature of my writing. I'm a much better writer now, but so much more cautious, and part of me really admires the boldness of my voice in those entries. I wish I could combine that with a good dollop of discretion, but I fear the latter smothers much of the former. However, it's something to think about, especially when working on my YA fiction.

The past year wasn't a total waste, of course. Pretty good writing year, actually. I finished my middle grade novel (twice, actually, since I did a page-one rewrite in October). I went to Blue Heaven and World Fantasy and got to hang out with some of my favorite writer friends. Hell, Blue Heaven was so good I never even had what I call my "oatmeal" feeling (when you cringe over what you said/ did), though I suppose it's possible some of my friends think I should have :-) Still, I think this is the benefit of age -- I've learned (and am still learning) how to have fun and be a bit wild without going too far and making people uncomfortable. And I got great crits on my novel, and got to contribute my suggestions to some of the most astoundingly talented people I've ever known.

I'm also less neurotic about my writing lately. I no longer obsess over getting into SFWA, or getting every last story published in a good market. This is probably due to the fact that I am working on novels now, not stories, but it's a definite relief. I don't really feel like I have to prove myself all the time. I spend that energy on actual writing now.

My writing time is also known as "naptime", which brings me to River. My son has been a joy and a... learning experience this past year, and not having a job means that I get to really hang out with him instead of trying to cram our time into after-work hours. Parenting a toddler is so hard, but so rewarding, too. River hugs now, and snuggles and talks a bit, and he's just so freakin' cute strangers stop me to tell me about it (which I love). His eyesight actually got *better* and he didn't even have to have surgery (though thanks to the glaucoma he was examined while put under twice). I'm so lucky to have so much time with him right now, even if it does mean things are dangerously tight money-wise. He gives my days so much meaning.

Tim and I are pulling through this together. He's been amazing. He's been writing full-out, taking gigs and producing words and bringing in money to cover the short-fall of my unemployment checks (I can't make money writing without risking unemployment stopping my payments for six weeks, which almost sunk us the time it happened). Even when Tim's writing something for hire, his writing is funny, sharp and compulsively readable. I love him and I admire him so much. It's been a tough year for us, but we seem to recover from the bumps in the road, stopping to pick one another up even though we're both tired, stressed and scared. I'm very lucky to have him.

Some of the horribleness of this year has brought me even closer to good friends. It's given me an excuse to reach out, keep in contact, give a call or an email more often. It's not the way I'd like to maintain my friendships, but since you all refuse to move into my neighborhood (or pick one where I can move to be near to all of you), it'll do. Still, I hope 2010 gives me less horribleness while letting me see all of my friends more often.

Ten years ago I was single, living with roommates who were dating each other. I was working as a receptionist at Xinet. I was writing how-to articles for the erotic ezine Clean Sheets. I'd just finished a VERY fun summer dating and hanging out with a married couple, and I was about to enter into a year of really unsuccessful dating. I still went home to Indiana for Xmas (and had so much fun catching up with college friends -- man, I miss that!) and I was about to take my first (and still only) international trip (to Spain). In December 1999 I had the week of auto-drama where I thought I met my future self (I even say in a journal entry that I thought it was me from ten years in the future. Nope. Maybe it was me from eleven years in the future?). I hadn't met Tim yet. I didn't have my son yet. I had never drafted a novel or made a pro sale. I hadn't even met Susan or Dawson or Jenn or Greg or Scott or Lynne or Haddayr or Richard or Bekah or lots of people I consider close friends now! I was awfully lonely much of the time.

Ok, so 2009 sucked, but I've come a long way in the past decade and I wouldn't go back for anything. Still, I'm really really looking forward to 2010. Like, Really.