For reasons I can't explain, I've made several posts on Facebook during the past 24 hours instead of posting here. It must be oxygen deprivation. :)

I have so much that I want to journal, but time has been insanely crunched for me the past two weeks.

Yesterday I hit a wall regarding my recent surge of physical activity. I was drained. Frustrated. An epiphany sprouted in my weary brain that ordinary is no longer ordinary for me and I have to live with greater mindfulness of the extraordinary that ordinary really is for me now.

Oddly, that last sentence makes perfect sense to me, but I understand if it reads like gobbily-gook.

Below are brief updates. Hope they make better sense.


**********

Thank you dear friend for being my dear friend and letting me melt tonight. I've been pushing too hard. Doing too much. It's a double-edged sword. I'm living as though I haven't a serious illness. I don't know how to live differently. It becomes even more complicated because I'm conditioned to doing everything by myself, alone, self-sufficient. It's not that I can't and won't ask for help. It's just that it's never occurred to me to ask for an assist. So today I buckled to the exhaustion. Thanks for propping up my spirits, renewing me, replenishing and validating and encouraging. Thank you dear friend of mine.
Now I'll go fix me some dinner.

(Family: Don't fret. I'm just tired.)

**********


I've awakened refreshed and facing an *easy* day. I've risen to give myself plenty of time to gulp several cups of high octane dark roast coffee. Today I drive to Nashville for a clinical trial infusion. Believe it or not (aside from the drive) the infusions are relaxing and the Vanderbilt staff fabulous. At CRC (Clinical Research Center) I'm given a private room and cheerful nurse. The infusion now only takes one hour, but many protocols make the stay longer - all based on caution. I'm brought a meal of my choosing and flip through TV stations trying to find something watchable, which rarely happens and continues to validate my choice of living without pricey cable TV. The whole process lasts 3+ hours. Today I plan to call David when I'm finished. He'll take a break from studying for the Bar to meet for a late afternoon nosh. After gnashing through rush hour traffic, I plan to stop in Manchester on the way home to stock up with provisions for a small dinner party I'm hosting this weekend. It's my turn to host Dinner for 8 - a delightful event organized at Morton Memorial to give parishioners an additional opportunity for fellowship. I'm also shopping for a dear friend who will be arriving mid-week for a 2-week visit. Shen will be staying in the upstairs apartment and I want to stock her fridge. When asked, she sent me a list of preferences. One item was Coke Vanilla Zero. *scratching head* What the heck is that!

**********

Am still at Vandy. Everything was backlogged with the doctor running behind. The protocols include a doctor's visit before the infusion is started. Two hours past the appointment, the infusion began. No worries - this is the best possible delay because it's kept me in bed and off my feet and with oxygen. The past 2+ weeks I've totally overdone. It's all good stuff, but I've pushed. The last two days I pushed waaaaay too hard. Stupid hard. Insane. Certifiable. My doctor says it will take a while for my body to recover. My lungs are still stabilized, but when I allow my oxygen saturation to dip silly low, the rest of my body suffers. For example, my heart works too hard to compensate. My vascular system says, "There are parts of her body that are more important than her feet, her legs, her fingers, her arms." When I over exert, the lungs remain status quo... but at a cost to the rest of my body. Now, after typing these cautionary words, I FEEL GREAT! And I guess that might be the ironic root of the problem. I feel great until I don't feel great and then it's too late. My doctor celebrates that I refuse to let my illness define me - that my spirited essence continues to prevail. I just have to be smarter about pacing myself and to accept my limitations. Everything will continue to be peachy. Just watch me!

I'm here for another hour for observation then meeting David and hanging around Nashville until rush hour rushes by.

Thanks for listening the past two days. Much appreciated.