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The legend of Carrot Mom

Friday, January 02, 2004

By Laurie Sontag

There is an urban legend so frightening that I am reluctant to tell you of it. It is a legend larger than Bigfoot. It’s more terrifying than any Halloween candy and razor blade story could ever be. It is a story that could ruin family life as we know it. It’s the story of Carrot Mom.

You know Carrot Mom. She’s the mom who brings huge platters of carrots and low-fat ranch dip to the class parties. She never brings cupcakes - in fact, she appears to shun any type of sweet, including my personal favorite, old candy canes that have been in the ornament box since before Junior was born.

Nobody knows why Carrot Mom is the way she is. Maybe she ate too many pieces of cake. Maybe a mean old dentist removed her sweet tooth. Or maybe she went to the doctor one day and got an accurate weight reading and decided right then, right there, that she was never going to eat sweets again.

I am positive that at that very moment, an orange ‘C’ sprouted on Carrot Mom’s sweater and she became that most dreaded of moms - the mom who brings vegetables to the sugar feasts at elementary school.

Children stay away from her. They fear her fondness for vegetables may be contagious. When she opens the door on party day, a silence falls in the room. For they know - oh, they know. Carrot Mom has a platter of veggies and she isn’t afraid to use them.

Of course, Carrot Mom isn’t a modern invention. There has been a Carrot Mom in every village since the dawn of time - or the iscovery of carrots, I guess.

According to folklore passed down from generation to generation, Carrot Mom has been around for hundreds of years - maybe even thousands or millions, I’m not sure. I can’t even balance a checkbook, let alone calculate how long ago cave men lived - but there is strong evidence that Carrot Mom lived with them.

Those early cave dwellers drew pictures of this primitive mom. There, amongst the drawings of men stabbing woolly mammoths with spears is a drawing of a lone woman, passing out orange stick-shaped things.

There is a large X over her picture. Even then, Carrot Mom was hated.

In 1600s Salem, Carrot Mom was hanged for being a witch. Legend has it that she bewitched the inhabitants of Salem by sneaking carrots into their stews and dried meats. And most horrifying of all, she tried to bring a platter of carrots and dip to a town hall meeting.

The good citizens of Salem quickly jailed her and burned the frightening veggies. But to this day people say her familiar, a black cat named Carrot Top haunts the vegetable patches of Massachusetts, moaning in the night for Carrot Mom.

There are other stories - of Carrot Moms in the Civil War, in Victorian times, and virtually in every decade of the last century.

Of course, for one brief moment in the 1970s Carrot Mom was accepted. In fact, being a Carrot Mom was the highest compliment. Her fame sprouted legends of other moms - like Celery Mom and Tomato Mom. But then came the yuppie ’80s and everyone hated her again. They wanted money, and more money and carrots just weren’t where the money was.

And so today, we have Carrot Mom. A lone woman pushing veggies on children. She’s out there - and she’s probably at a party near you. Just stay away and don’t make any sudden movements. And pray you never, ever become a Carrot Mom yourself.