GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!
Okay this is the second time I have to write this cause the damn computer fucked it up.

I hate to make my first entry bitchy, but that's how I feel right now and if you don't like what I have to say THEN DON"T READ IT! Simple enough.

Have you ever been in love? I mean head over heels butterflies in your stomach in love. I have. Its great. Can't sleep at night cause real life is better than your dreams, excited everytime you hear their voice on the other end of the phone.

And then...
It got slammed in my face.

I'm not a complete moron. I know hearts can change. And that's okay, really. But don't make promises you can't keep: "I'll love you forever." "but forever is a long time." "Not long enough." WOW! I never knew how short forever was!

But maybe I am a complete moron. I was the one who took his lies, insults, and jealous fits. And still took him back so many times I can't even count. But he was so convincing, so sincere. It was what I wanted to hear. I wanted to let myself love him. He swore it would be different this time. I AM STUPID. And I would know when he was working me over, using charm. I KNEW. And I still believed him, I wanted to, so I did.

This last time, I was doing so good. Better than I have been in seven years. And then he came back. He was so sorry. He had been so wrong. He would wait any amount of time for me to trust him again. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And now, I'm laying on the bedroom floor, tears running down the curve of my face. The place where I've been so many times before.

And then...

IT starts.

IT is like being on a train. You don't want to be on the train. You don't even know how you got on the fucking thing in the first place. But you are there regardless. You can't get off, you can't make IT stop. You can see happy people outside the train. You can hear them laugh, see them smile. But no matter how much you scream, they can't hear you, they never turn their eyes to the train, they don't even know there is one. And IT keeps going faster and faster. All you can do is pray that IT will derail, letting you sink into soft, deep sleep; instead of ITS real destination.

"my haunted head won't leave me alone." You try to make your thoughts stop, try to distract yourself. Sometimes it works for a little while. But THEY always come back, with a vengence, angry at being pushed away and hidden. THEY are like clawing and scratching nails, or the sharp bite of a viper. And just as poisonous. Memories, thoughts, desires, flood my mind, seeming to forget that I am supposed to be the one in control. Forgetting or not caring.

It not his fault that I can't control THEM or IT. It was as if when he was near he shielded them away, so I didn't have to work so hard to do it myself.

It just hurts so much. You would think after so many times, it would hurt less. No. It still breaks me down just like the first time. A little less surprising, yes. Was what I felt ever even real? Yes. Him? Ha, who knows. I used to think so. He told me he doesn't even remember anything about us. He was never sober when he saw me for the first year we were together. What kind of relationship is that? Regardless, I wouldn't take all the time back. Even as much as it hurt me. To love is greater, I guess.

Its so pathetic. Even after all this, so many times, I still just want to be in his arms and hear him say, "Its okay, its gonna be okay." I AM SO STUPID. How pathetic is that?

I'm just so tired of being miserable and faking that I'm not to pacify everyone else around me. I'm tired of telling myself to just get through today. I'm tired of telling myself that in tomorrow's morning light, it won't be so bad. I know damn well it won't be any better. You can spend your whole life working and doing everything, I mean EVERYTHING right, and still have it all explode in your face, burning your eyes, taking away all light. You try to turn your face to feel the sunlight, but you can't see and the warmth you feel in a fire. You get too close, despartely trying to warm yourself, and burn.

Nothing like being an optimist. Who knows, maybe it will be better in the morning light...

-KLN-

does it make you feel more like a man...
was it all just a part of your plan...
this pistol's shakin' in my hands...
and all I hear is the sound...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can't live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can't live without you...
I just can't take anymore...
I pick myself up off the floor...
and now I'm done with you...
ALWAYS.