I should write another entry with less angry words.

Everything with him wasn't bad. I had more fun with him than I suspect I will ever have with another man. He had a way of just making me simply happy: When I would catch him looking at him when he thought I wasn't paying attention. Watching cartoons and eating cereal was a perfectly acceptable Saturday morning. When he would kiss the top of my head I couldn't help but smile. Everytime he was excited about something and bounced around, or when he was proud of himself, and tried to hide it. The way he would play with K. The msgs he would send me. The way he would smile and laugh with me, especially that, he has the best smile. The way we used to sit at the airplane field for hours at night, when I was so late to be home. We could see the entire night sky ontop of that hill. There we could hide away from all the things that tried to hurt us or keep us apart. There we could escape together and have the entire universe to ourselves. Nothing could reach us there, nothing could hurt us there. We had each other and that was all we needed at that moment. Or when he sang happy birthday to Roommate in his Spongebob boxers and dress socks and tie. When I was in his arms nothing could hurt me. Or if I was already hurting, when he took me in his arms it made the pain not so bad. Concerts, fights, making up, wrestling, and a hundred other memories. "And the loving that we shared is loving that will last forever."

I didn't mean it when I said I didn't know if he loved me. I know he did. And I know he still does. I know why he did what he did. I won't lie and say I understand, but I will try to understand.

I said very angry mean things to him. I said them purposely to hurt him. I hate when I do that. I don't like to hurt anyone, especially someone that I love so much. But I could only think of hurting him as much as I was hurting then. And I am sorry for it, but he won't ever hear me say it.

I think the hardest part is not giving up any romantic notions of US. It's the giving up my best friend. Again. It's walking past him on the street in five years and not looking twice that I can't stand. How can you give up such a huge part of your life to nothing?

It is hard to explain how I felt in those moments, good and bad, but that is the trouble with words. They diminish thoughts. Words, that when in your mind are timeless, but when spoken are shrunk into real life, and affectable by time. But there are some things time can't change.


Don't you cry tonight...
I still love you.
Don't you cry tonight...
there's a Heaven above you.
Give me a whisper,
and give me a sigh.
Don't you take it so hard now,
and don't take it so bad.
I'll still be thinking of you...
and the times we had.
And please remember...
that I never lied.
and please remember...
how I felt inside.
You gotta make it your own way...
But you'll be alright.
you'll feel better tomorrow...
in the morning light.
Don't you cry tonight.


I will not forget...
How this felt.
I know I cannot forget.

I'm falling into memories of you...
and things we used to do.
Follow me there...
A beautiful somewhere...
A place that I can share with you.

I can tell that you don't know me anymore...
It's easy to forget,
sometimes we just forget.
And being on this road is anything but sure...
Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget.

I'm falling into memories of you...
and things we used to do.

So many nights...
Wrap me up in a dream with you...
Close up these eyes, try not to cry.

I'm falling into memories of you.