Today. Yeah. Well its a quater after 11 and I meant to be in bed by 10. Damn internet and telephone keeping me up! I am addicted to this journal. I really am. I have always loved writing and reading other things that people have written, but this is outta control. Its a great escape and a window into other peoples lives outside of my little world (which seems to be closing in on as each day passes.) My friend Nick has been so great to me since all the shit with my ex. He really makes me feel better, he keeps me distracted. AND HE ACTUALLY LISTENS TO ME! I've only known the guy a few months but he knows me better than my ex did who I was with basically for three years! It is amazing how much you see when you aren't blinded by love. (see? not only does love kill, like crack, it can blind you too! of course, I suppose if it killed you, you really wouldn't mind being blind. but that is besides the point.) i had a miniature txt msging fight with the ex today and it ruined my day. I am generally a positive person (of course you really cant tell by reading my journal lol) but he really just put me in a shitty mood all day. So I went to the mall and bought $150 worth of stuff for $60! I love sales! and that impoved my mood a little. The guy at work told me I should get a PFA on him. That would be inaccurate, he would never physically hurt me. but the mental abuse i have endured i am sure is worse. i think i would have perferred a smack. for two reasons. a bruise goes away after a few days. second, it would have been easier to walk away and not look back. the horrible words and things he did to control me it much harder to recover from. when you are 100 miles away from him and afraid to talk to a guy for class cause you feel that he will somehow know and "punish" you for it, is really out of control. i consider myself a strong person. i am a feminst. i believe i can do anything. except forget him. which is what i cant understand. i have seen women who have been horribly abused, in much worse situations than mine. and you cant help but think, what makes them stay? and then i realize that they were where i am now at one time. where's the line? everyone has to have a breaking point, somewhere they just cant take anymore. and i hate thinking and remembering cause it is always worse than i want to beleive that it was. i want to only think about the fun and when we were close. but i guess that is what i really need to forget, and remember the lies, the manipulation, the controling jealous fits, and so on. i am getting pissed off again and i need to be asleep to get up at 5am.

but i want to thank nick for being so patient and kind to me. (all my girls too) but especially him for staying up late and telling me what i need to hear, and not only telling me, but making me LISTEN. i have the coolest friends. thanks guys, i love all of you so much.

"i thought that you were someone worth my time, but all you did was make me cry"
"I wanna say thank you... all the backstabbing... made me that much stronger, made me think a little bit quicker... thanks for making me a fighter"