I definately am gonna have to have the "talk" with a guy I'm seeing. You know the one I'm talking about, the I-only-am-hanging-out-with-you-until-I-am-ready-to-force-feed-you-then-send-you-home-talk. I'm sure everyone had had to have this talk at some point. Really, all obsenities aside, they are both really nice guys and I do like them both (maaaaaybe one a little more than the other). I mean no one has said "Hey, we're dating." But thats kinda what it is, but I am not going to be the one to jump the gun and say anything. Yet. However, I think I am going to Cleveland with the him this weekend and we will see how things go.

I am trying to figure out why I am the way that I am with guys. I kinda blame Justin, but kinda not, cause I was a little bit the way I am now before I was with him. But I was never really this bad. I am so untrusting! If it has a penis, and isn't related, forget it. I will probably not believe half of what he says and think he's lying for the other half. Of course that is Justin's fault. Cause I have always been the "trust them until proven untrustworthy" type. But after finding out most everything from a 3 year relationship was a lie, its a little hard to recover. Plus, I have so many guy friends. I KNOW what they do and how they talk and SOME of what they think.*

And I switch personalities so fast, its like channel surfing with the remote! Greg called me on it last night. He told me that I front. I don't mean to. I really don't. I just am not comfortable with showing actual "I like you" affection yet. So when we are around other people I don't hug and kiss and silly stuff like that, cause IT MAKES ME FEEL SILLY. Like the damn people I wrote about before being twitterpatted with birds singing in their heads not making any damn sense and ruining the world as we know it. I do not want to be responsible for ruining the world. Okay I know thats extreme, but you get what I am saying. I have different sides of me that are brought out by the different people that I am around. I am not gonna act the same around my brothers as I do around my girl friends as I do at work or as I do around my guy friends. Thats just the way that it is. I don't fake anything, at least I don't think that I do. There are just different facets to me. I have so many facets I could be a 4 karat diamond. Yeah. Something like that.

And I definately worry waaaay too much. About EVERYTHING. What if he really isn't the one for me? Can I take him home and have him get along with Mike? Could he handle being left alone with all my friends and survive? Would he support me in all the things that I do? I know that some of these are GOOD questions to be asking myself, but I can't look at every guy and decide if I could marry him. I am only 20 for crying out loud! Do I really need to find a husband this week? I've spent so much time being grown up I forget what its like to be a kid and not worry about everything. I wonder if I am too concerned with the future and getting there the right way. Maybe there is no right way. Maybe when I get there I will be miserable because I didn't do all my crazy stuff when I was young and had the chance. I told myself all summer I was gonna have a crazy year and get all the bad stuff out of the way so I would have had my fun before I get old. But once I'm here I'm right back to studying late at night and going to meetings and going to class. I mean I know thats why I'm here, to get the best education I can. But I would like to have some fun along with it! I just don't want to ruin all the hard work that I have put in with one crazy night that got a little too crazy or a little too busted. But don't worry, if I hide in a tree from the police I won't fall down on one of the arresting officers!

And aside from all this, part of me wants a boyfriend. Part of me wants to not be so boy crazy.... okay well thats not true. But I guess I want to stability of knowing that someone is always there and that mushy bullshit. But the other part says "fuck that!" I am having too much fun being me! I want someone to say "Karen, calm down and behave" But I also want someone that says "Karen, drink this and dance on the table topless" But I guess that also explains the my choice of guy for the moment. I want to be a good girl. I want to be a bad girl. Well at least I don't want to be a boy. I want the best of both worlds (bad girl, good girl. not boy), to walk to fine line, to have my cake and eat it too (which is a really dumb saying cause who gets cake without intending to eat it? IT'S CAKE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Thats what you do with it!) But I know that I can only pull off being both for so long before one over takes the other.

Wow the more I write the crazier I sound. I think I have split personalities. I shall call my other half.... Pierre. No not really. That's silly. Pierre is a boy's name. From now on, my ultra ego shall be named Nicki. And we shall call her Nicki. YEAHhhhhh, I see them coming with the white jackets already.


-kln-

*My brother always told me women think they know what men are thinking. But they don't. Not really. If you knew what we were thinking, you would never stop hitting us.*
"Ladies, what's my weakness? MEN!"
"Make him eat your pussy! That's what its really all about!" -Ally "Yeah I don't care if he gets lock jaw, that just means I don't have to hear him bitch later!" -Me
"Slowly, one by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity."