I sit here and wonder what my life would have been like if I had made other choices. Were the choices I made wrong? Were they right? Am I better off? or Worse? Should I have came to school here? I thought that school here would be good for me, but maybe I only came here cause I didn't want to be away from my boyfriend at the time and family. Or because I was scared? What if I made decisions for all the wrong reasons? What if the examples I make for my friends are all wrong? I know many of the ways I live my life aren't right, what if everyone who looks up to me picks up my bad habits? What if I am totally fucking up my life? I know that I am what ifing my self to death, but I can't help it. I can't stand failure. I can't. I do not accept failure from myself. I have been successful for so long, I cannot allow myself to fail. And I feel like thats all I've been doing. Failing I mean. It makes me sick. I screwed up my back account, I totalled my car, my grades aren't all A's, I have no idea what is going on for the event that I am facilitating next week, I didn't give the people enough information a the promotions meeting for the radio yesterday so I have to send everyone an email explaining that I am a fuckhead (MJ's word of the month), I NEVER get to just hang out with my friends, I haven't been able to be there for them like I want to be, I don't know, I just feel like everything is just so fucked up right now. And I can't believe that the semester is more than half over. I feel like I have done nothing. I am so dissappointed in myself.

-kln-

"everything is just that fucked up and gone"