It is quite possible that I am the most pathetic person in the world. Truly. I talked to Justin last night for an hour or so. He's having a hard time with stuff. I feel bad, I don't feel bad. I mean he's made all his own decisions, and where he is in life is because he took himself there. But he just seems to get so much shit.

ANYWAYS. Not the point of me writing. It kills me because I still love him. It is so hard to not tell him. Last spring and this summer when everything was great between us it was hard then to not say it. I was soooo happy with him. Words cannot explain the way that I feel when I am with him. I am always working and trying so hard to be happy. And I always feel like there is something holding me back, clouding my happiness with gray and forboding. Buu when I am with him, all of that melts away. And I don't have to work to smile. I just do. When he would lay down and pull me next to him and lay his head on mine, I couldn't be happier. When we went to Philly I had so much fun! I think it was one of the best times I had all summer.

Everytime I have a bad day, or I am sad I always want to call him. He is the first person I think of. Right or wrong. Even when we weren't speaking, it was always him I wanted to make everything better when something went wrong. It's been great between us lately, how we can rely on each other to be FRIENDS. And I think we are good FRIENDS for each other. He knows me so well and visa versa. We are a good support team for each other.

BUT (there is always a but isn't there?) It is so damn hard to not want to be with him. It's so hard to not tell him, "Stop what you are doing, bring K and come with me. Let me make everything better. Because I know I can make you happy and improve your life." But I won't say that. I won't. I don't have to ask to know the answer. Besides, I can only do so much to make him happy, he has to go so far too and want to be happy with me. And he was for awhile. He claims the times he spent with me were the happiest he's had and will ever have. But he and I both know it simply won't work. Why is that? He will never be the man I fell in love with for more than a few months at a time, and I will never be Kristel. It makes me angry and relieved. How strange. I'm angry because we get so close to perfection, and it always falls away, just out of reach. And I'm relieved, because I have the chance, the opportunity to be happy elsewhere. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad person? I mean for wanting and not wanting to be with the only person I have ever loved? How strange.

But as I always always always say, "God will take me where I need to be, when I need to be there." I sure hope He knows where I am going, cause I sure as Hell don't know.

-kln-

"I hold your picture and touch the past with my fingertips, I miss feeling you breathing."
"Tell me where to begin, Back track and do it again."