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2004-11-20 6:08 PM **SIGH** Mood: annoyed with myself Read/Post Comments (0) |
I feel like a big failure. I don't think I will make the Dean's List this semester. I will be just below it. That pisses me off to no end. I have been on the Dean's List 4 semesters (plus summer classes) since I started. I can do better than mostly B's. I know I sound like a big dork and obsessive, but I am paying way too much money to go to college and not LEARN. And I have not spent much time this semester learning. I have wasted my time doing other things and now I will ruin my record.
So Justin told me on the phone last night that he still wants to be with me. HA! That is goddamn fucking fabulous! If he REALLY wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have stopped seeing me to be with a psychopathic herion addict now would he (who just ended up breaking up with him anyways)? It just irratates me to no end. The LAST time I started seeing him again, I told him it was or fun ONLY, and to not bring love into it. And then he did. This time, I told him NOT to bring love into it. And guess what he does?! I REFUSE to make him my priority while I am only his option. I will not. His family, him, all the other girls he has dated or is dating, and I all know I am the best that has ever had and ever will. Not that I think I am that great, I just treated him GOOD. And I got shit for it. So why do I still love him and want to be with him? Or am I just doing what he did and blinding myself with an impossible image? It's so fucking stupid and I am tired of going back and forth. Life's gonna change (God I fucking hope so anyways) dramatically when I gradute college. I am not gonna be sitting around waiting for him to make up his mind. I offered to take him and K with me. He declined. He has made his choices and I have made mine. So why are neither of us happy? The happiest I have been here this semester I think was when he came to see me. How much crap is that? How can someone who has made me so miserable and told me so many lies and made me cry so much make me so happy? AARRRGGHH!! I've been talking to Mike again! That's exciting. His band has a website, www.threesidesshort.com I suggest seeing it. It has fun pictures. It's nice to get to talk to him again. I think I am gonna try and meet up with him over Thanksgiving. That brings me to my next complaint. (I know I've been a big baby this semester, but don't give up on me.) How is it that JoAnn moves into MY house (I know it's my Dad's but I've lived there all my life, so that makes it mine) and thinks she can critisize my friends and my life style? I was not raised to be judgemental of others-- and I have been the greater beneficiary for it, because I've had the opportunity to meet extraordinary people by not judging on appearances, economic, or social standings. I was not raised prim and proper, but I was raised with manners and a sense of dignity. I am NOT a fucking moron. Please do not treat me as such. I should not have to tiptoe around the place where I have spent my entire life because of how she was raised. I shouldn't have to change MY life. She's the one who moved in. Not me. She should make the adjustments, not me. And she really should not try to correct me or tell me how to conduct my life. That is actually laughable. I've had my own parents on the bench for that since seventh grade at least. I really got it under control. My own mother never had the audacity to try and tell me what to do. And I think she better learn her standing with me, cause I have tried my hardest to have no conflicts and be poliet and adjust. But dammit there are fucking lines. Now that I've bitched and whined like a child, I am gonna go write a paper. And work on those grades. :( -kln- "Not everything is gonna be the way you think it ought to be" "Say honestly you won't give up on me" "No one heals me like you do, but you broke the key" "Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret. People change, things go wrong... just remember life goes on." Read/Post Comments (0) Previous Entry :: Next Entry Back to Top |
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