We Are The Change We Seek
"i got this" - Kenny Wyland

This isn't where I thought I was going to be when I looked forward into my life, but here I am....

Yes We Can

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Starting Over

Ok, so where the hell have I been? *sigh* Well, the basic idea is that when shit really starts to turn bad I tend to be silent in my journal. It happens when the bad stuff isn't appropriate to discuss on my journal and at the same time I can't bring myself to write about trivial things because I feel like I'm being fake by not talking about what's really going on.

So, here is the short version of my life during the last 10 months.

The executive in charge of the Santa Monica Google office retired and was replaced by a new guy who was a standard old school executive, not of the Googly type at all. He didn't like it when I disagreed with him and made things rough for me at work. I got put on probation where I had to complete a set of X tasks in the alloted time or I was fired. I completed all X tasks with 3 days left to spare before the deadline and he fired me anyway. I talked to several laywers, but with the CA employment laws, I really didn't have any recourse. In the end, it was upsetting but it wasn't that far off from my plan anyway. I was only going to work there for 6 more months and then quit and become a full time student. It was bad and horrible, but in the end it wasn't a big deal.

The next bit is the big one. I got married and everything went wrong. Rainbow (previously referred to as R) became incredibly abusive after the wedding and became totally unhinged. She would start screaming at me for no reason at all.... and I mean no reason. I would ask something like, "Hey sweetie, what do you want to grab for dinner?" and she would yell at me in return. She would say that my "spirit was yelling at her and that's why she would yell back." She stopped touching me almost completely. She wouldn't hug me for more than 1 second. If I tried to continue the hug, she would push me away. She would show more love to her dog than she would to me and when I sat her down to talk to her about it, it started an argument. After the argument, she thought she would comfort me by saying.... and the fact that she thought this would be comforting should draw an interesting picture for you... she told me, "At least you are in my top 5." I told her that if the situation didn't change, I couldn't be her husband. She apparently didn't think I had the balls to do it. I tried to get her to go to therapy with me and she refused. I finally got her to go, but it didn't matter. She blamed me for all of the problems, even though the therapist actually pointed out during one of the sessions that she wasn't listening to what I had to say and was ignoring the reality of the situation. I told her I was divorcing her and gave her time to finish the school quarter and find a new apartment and then I served her with divorce papers.

My friends and family have been taking good care of me. They also helped me restore my house to a state of sanity. Rainbow had painted some pretty crazy stuff all over the walls of the house which had to be sanded off, then primed and painted over. Other than spending time with friends and family, my time in the last 4 months has been spent going to school, cleaning, painting and playing World of Warcraft.

I've sat several times staring at this journal, trying to figure out what to do about it. So.. this is my answer.

Don't worry about me.... i got this.

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