I was supposed to be in bed now. I tried to sleep earlier because I planned to go to the beach tomorrow with Mary. I coulnd't sleep. Not even with Valium. And this book I'm reading is really annoying. It's called The Butcher Boy.I was expecting a lot from this book, but the narrative is just a n n o y i n g. I'm going to return this book to the public library and rent another one.

I really need to go to the beach. I need a tan. I've never been so ugly. I've been fat and my hair is terrible. Not to mention my skin. But apparently the weather is changing. Again.

Anyway, weekend.
Friday, Philipe, Carlos' friend, arrived from Vitória. I was really into him I think. However, I had decided not to go out because I had SOMAR's meeting on saturday.

Later on Friday, Eliane, my mother's friend, called me and asked if she could come over. That was quite annoying for me because my family was away to the beach house and I was watching a boring movie, but I couldn't say no. So she came, we tried to plan something to go out, we smoked a lot of cigarettes and she finally decided to go out with her friend. She had a fight with her husband. She lent me 20 bucks for taxi, in case I went out.

And Philipe called. He and his friends wanted to go to PLOC 80's, a very fun party of, duh, the 80's. He called about midnight. So I took a shower and got dressed and at about 2am I caught a taxi and met them at Ploc. I had never seen Philipe before. Only on pictures. And, God, he was SO HANDSOME.

We got inside and it was really fun. On the beginning I was kind of shy because I was with people I never met before, but after a couple of beers and whiskeys, everything turned out fine. I really wanted to fool around with Philipe but I had a feeling his friend Renato and him had some sort of affair. I ended up kissing Philipe's other friend, Daniel. He wasn't attractive at all and he was a bit queeny for my taste, but what-fucking-ever.

We left the party at 7. They caught a bus to Copacabana and I caught the subway with two girls we met there to Tijuca. It was a fun night.

I got home at about 8, and I had to go to Somar's meeting at 9:30, but I was still drunk by the time I got home and I didn't want to get there with a fuckin alcoholic breath. I slept. I woke up at like 2pm and I was VERY frustrated. Ana, Somar's leader, was counting on me. Once more, I disappointed people.

Saturday.

Just smoked and stayed online most of the time. I didn't eat much the whole day. Until Priscilla called and invited me to go to her cousin's birthday. Nothing to lose, right? She got at my apartment at about 9. We were supposed to be at the party at 7. We left my place and stood on the bus stop for like 30 minutes and she decided she didn't want to go anymore. She was starting to irritate me. I remembered I had left my phone card home. So we stopped by the bakery for a light coke and some cheese breads and we went back to my place so I could get my phone card. After that, she went back home by taxi. I caught the subway to Copacabana to meet Philipe and his friends. When I called him I had a feeling that I was disturbing something.

I went to Renato's place and sat there for a while, drank a couple of beers and talked to Daniel. He was the only one giving me some fucking attention, so whatever. We left Renato's place at about 2 and we waited for some of his friends in front of Belmonte, a bar. We got tired and decided to get in the bar for a couple of drinks. After a caipiroska, a couple of beers, 4 red bulls with whiskeys, we decided to try and get into some place but come on, it was almost 5. So nothing. We just stopped around Le Boy, a gay club, I grabbed a light coke and we kept talking on the street.

Philipe wasn't giving me much attention. I realized that he had something with Renato.

Back to Renato's place. Some music DVD, Renato showered, Philipe showered. They went to bed (together, sigh) and I sat down in the living room with Daniel. We listened some music and he started to touch my hair.

I do not have any sexual attraction for Daniel. Sigh. But what is left?

So we laid down for a while and when I heard Philipe and Renato arguing for some reason I decided to leave with Daniel. When I was at the door Daniel started to massage and touch me and it was feeling relatively good so I turned back, kissed him, touched him and I gave him a blow job.

His penis was smelling like urine.

Then we sat in front of the door. He gave me head and masturbated me, I masturbated him, we both cum. Great. Now I had a huge post-sex depression. And I was dying for a cigarette.

We left and headed for the Bus Stop and when the bus was coming Philipe called Daniel to ask him to spend the "night" there, so Daniel went back and I caught the bus alone.

They did not invite me to spend the night.

I was drunk and it was about 7:30 in the morning. I got back home and tried to call Priscilla to see if she wanted to go to the beach but my phone was FUCKING blocked. So, I went to bed. Woke up at 2. Got online. Spent the day online. Smoked like a dragon. I was expecting Philipe to call but he didn't. I bought three packs of Valium. Illegally, obviously. Took three. Nice. When I decided to leave the computer to read a little, and I was almost falling asleep, my mom got back from the beach house. I woke up. She made pizza. I ate pizza. Tried to go back and sleep. Nope. Took another Valium. Nothing. Sent an SMS to Philipe. He didn't reply. And here I am.

This was a dirty sunday. I didn't even take a shower.

I'm feeling ugly. All these people I hang out with have nice bodies. I need to get into an intensive plan of body building. I won't give up my cigarettes or my Valium or my alcohol, but I'll plan to get a nice body and I could get in a diet or something.

I hope the weather will be nice tomorrow so I can get some tan at the beach, and then take a haircut, and next time I meet Philipe I will make a move. He has an affair with Renato. But I don't want Daniel. I want Philipe.

I think I will buy a new cheap cellphone since that fuckin bitch Carol, Priscilla's friend, lost my neat, expensive, elite one. Sigh. It's the 3rd cellphone I lose. I will buy a really cheap one. Cellphone is VERY necessary. I might do that soon. But first I will wait the holiday to pass because I have two phone bills pending. I don't want to spend money with that. So after this week I'll look forward that.

Now. Gimme a damn cigarette.