"I'd look at one of my stonecutters hammering away at the rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet, at the hundred and first blow it would split in two, and I knew it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before."
Jacob August Riis


I'm reading The Informers. I was expecting a lot from this book. Bret Easton Ellis rules. But he has been disappointing me. American Psycho was AWESOME. Deftly, one of my favorite books of ALL TIMES. Rules of Attraction was... okay. It wasn't the best of all, but I had some fun with it. Now this one is turning to be quite... incovenient. I've read almost half of it and it hasn't gotten interesting. Come on Bret! I loved you. I hope Glamorama will be nice. And the other one too. But I forgot the name.

Anyway, I went through the whole army shit. It was incredibly annoying and I'll have to be back at January 16th or something. I truly believe I will be recruited. But I do not know what to do about it. I'll prolly just cross that bridge when I come to it. As usual. But being obligated to serve it is... a blasphemy?

Before I left school today I took some hydroxizin cloridat added with something else in a pill called Marax and it was okay. The class wasn't really annoying. I got home speaking spanish so my family would actually believe I was having spanish classes. LMAO. I am so stupid.

I am completely broke and I'm asking money to everybody. Nobody could lend me a couple of bucks except Pedro my best old friend and this really nice guy I met, american student in Brazil, Chano. I have to stop to associate fun with money. Or at least spend less. Ah, nevermind. I already learned that. I'm much more conscious now. I will pay my phone debts, buy a cheap cellphone and just keep it. Who cares about how expensive someone's cellphone is? My 1500 bucks' one was stolen by that fuckin whore Carol and now I'll have to handle a 100 bucks one. Oh wait. I'm turning to be pathetic. Who cares. I am materialist. But I am also spiritualist. Balance. Ying & Yang.

I am really engaged in the SOMAR movement. It's nice helping people. You know why? Because everything that lives is shit. Everything that has a life will go underneath earth one day, and nothing will survive forever. That's why we have to be shining comets and not standing dark planets. I want to be a comet that burns, burns, burns until it dies. Yeah. Because if you look closer... and you better not.. you will begin to realize that nothing is worth doing. Everything is shit and soon will be full of worms eating it. You don't have a reason to live. You have a reason to exist. To be a part of the world, do what you must, and leave your mark. Hopefully, for a better world. We have our own world. But it's a world just like any other world. Like an ant world. Or an elephant world. We just have intelect. And that's what kills us. We think we are superior. But no. We are all shit. Literally. We will all be dead corpse. Are you afraid? I am not. I must be cute on the outside but on the inside I am a horrible skull and inside my intestines there is a black mass of shit and disgusting organs. But that is life. Do you get my point? Life is shit. Literally.

Did I mention I have no money at all?

I am also tired of lying to everybody especially my family but I have to live with it for now. And I am kind of lost on what to decide to do in my professional life. Right now, all I do is my math classes. I will try to begin a short and cheap french course to get at least the basics of it. Better than nothing. Also, next month, when I finally get money again, I will begin my summer operation. This time it will work. I will have a nice body before january. I will be hot. Hot. Hotter than ever. If you are gay, you need to have a nice body or you will not fuck. And fucking is good so why not make an effort and be hot? This is life too.

I believe in beauty. Not only external beauty, internal beauty also. I am a completely dirty and sinful person. But I am trying to change and engage in helping the Planet Earth. I am engaged in helping the ones that are below me. Yes, below me. I am above a lot of people. I am superior than a lot of people. I thank God for that. Or Universe. Or Life. Or Supreme Energy. Or whatever you call it. And I will not throw it away. By the time I die, I will have been a beautiful and intellectual person. But I will die like everybody else. I will be a dead corpse like everybody else. I can leave a mark in the world. Some people can't. But we will all become shit. So does that really make me superior? Are we all the same? What makes one superior is the ability of having something called equilibrium. Equilibrium is what will make you rich, intelligent, beautiful and memorable. Yin & Yang. Again. Life is Yin & Yang. Life is equilibrium.

I think everybody should do the same thing. Be who you are. Live what you want. But don't simply live. Exist. Life is what matters. Be beautiful, be rich, be a good professional, but be good. Do not JUDGE yourself better than someone, but BE better. There is a difference there. If you can't see it, I'm sorry, you are stupid. Try to make a better world. That's about it.

Life. Life. So simple. It's sad to see almost anybody actually exist. They simply live. They are standing planets with no shine. How sad.

I decided to change that. I am going to quit my debts this month and go on strongly in my math classes. And I have a lot of debts. Then, it's summer operation time, and who knows, more french and math? I'll keep my friends, make new ones, fuck random people, love people who don't love me, get hurt, hurt people, be stupid. Whatever. But go on. That's what matters.

Tomorrow I'll go donate some clothes at an institution and then I'll probably go to the beach. I want that tan. You know? That sexy tan.I'll probably go meet Mauro at Shenanigan's at 7 or something. It doesn't matter. Summer operation is starting. I believe in beauty. I'll put an earring and make highlights! And then i'll play beach volleyball and workout! And I will force myself to enjoy it. I have a lot of free time this year. And study math and french! And be engaged with SOMAR! And this will be my year of 2005!

I don't care if I will die, or when I will die. I'd rather live instead of caring about it. Live. With or without a point, just live. I like cigarettes and valium and weed and beer and whiskey. I won't quit those. Not even during summer operation. I'll just take them when it's time for them. Do you get my point? I will not stop smoking just because it will give me a lung cancer in like 40 years. Smoking is a pleasure to me and life here on this Earth passes quickly. It's natural.

DO WHAT YOU WANT.

Do what you like.

Live your life. It's yours and you make anything you want out of it. But at least try to make someone happy. While you are sitting there at your comfortable chair smoking your marlboro and drinking your clean water, there is a guy dying outside because he can't even eat. Of course, I will not stop using Puma because they explore their workers, but I will help who I can and when I can.

But I will also do what I want. If I am here, if I exist, I do what I want and what I like.

Help people.

And live life.

Life is what it is. It's as good as it gets. Exist.