December passes by quickly, and Christmas approaches. I remember that when I was younger and I would spend my Christmas at my great-grandmother's house I used to love it. All those delicious foods and the familiar interaction... now I don't give a damn. Now that I am older and my heart colder, I can see it's just a lie.

It's been almost two years since I've been living here in Rio. Life is hard, and my stupidity makes it harder. Although I finally accomplished some important steps in my short life, the situation is complicated. I feel offended from every side possible. Here in my house, where I eat and sleep, I feel repressed by my own mother and specially her husband. The only time I feel really at home is when they are away to the beach house. But these are also my saddest times.

I feel I am living my life in the backseat: I don't have to drive, I don't have to speak, I can watch the country side and I can fall asleep.

The latest events just aggravated this feeling. I had a huge economic breakdown: I spent all of my money celebrating my birthday with my few friends for a whole week. And, to make things worse, I borrowed my mother 680 essential bucks so she could pay her credit card bill and maybe get a loan - but it failed. Now I have very important bills pending: cellphone, bank, etc. And, to make things even worse, she called my grandparents to tell them what was going on and now my grandparents are threatening me, saying if I don't call my father and tell him to give me money, they will do it.

All these invasions of privacy surrounding me make me hopeless.

It's just not worse than the previous invasion, when my mother and her husband read a MSN message history between me and one of my best friends. And they found out and read out what they shouldn't have found and what they shouldn't have read. I was supposed to get mad, but instead I got depressed and frustrated. I just can't get mad at my mother. Her living situation makes me feel pitiful. But the truth is I am really mad. It is the second time she asks me for money. Over one thousand bucks. Lost. Now my familiars probably think I have no responsibility. If at least they knew the reason I am totally broke... but it is most likely not going to happen because I know how my mother will feel if this happens. And I don't even talk to her about it, because I know how bad she feels.

I was supposed to go to Brasília for christmas with dad tomorrow, but I do not have money to buy my ticket. I have to figure something out. Tomorrow I am also going to try to make a deal with the bank and with the cellphone company. I also have to enroll at the Hotel Management school I was approved to. And write a resumé, and hand it out at an english course. Hopefully it will work.

Right now I am a hopeless sexual maniac, spending my days drowned in sorrow and anxiety and nicoutine. I am losing it. Losing it all. Losing them all.