And I know this may not be entirely true; my in-laws have been known to embellish for dramatic effect, or because their memory is a wee bit colored, one way or another,

But

My MIL was supposed to have been a very attentive mother. And she adores Rice, so I suspect a good portion of it is quite true. The FIL once said he never saw a child who was played with so much by his mother than Rice. She was with him all the time, doing stuff, like teaching him to sew, or macrame, or...

Now, I also think, based on how they deal with my kids, that he was expected to be very mellow and quiet... and um... I think there was a reason why he ended up with a computer in his bedroom closet at such a young age (and this is the '80's when personal PCs weren't as common as flies), but they loved their son.

I don't know if they made promises to him about activities that weren't kept, but I know his mother hasn't changed in terms of her outlook on the world.

I know that before Avadore came along Rice's parents talked about what great grandparents Rice's grandparents were, and how they were going to be like them. I think in the intervening years they had forgotten that kids aren't fun and easy all the time -- that they are work, hard work.

And usually they are good with the kids. Grandpa has taken Avadore fishing and LD to the park. Grandma has sewn with Avi, and tells him he's special. They do love the kids.

I just don't think that they think. And they have a lot of weird notions about people and life. A lot of assumptions to fit people into their occasionally skewed world view.

When A___ died, who was at the time Rice's and my closest friend, Rice's parents dealt with it in very strange ways. First of all, they had no clue or understanding that A____ was my friend, too, and that we were good, close friends. They ended up saying a lot of stupid stuff about him and his death to me that they never would have said to their mourning son because there was no way I could be mourning or hurting, too.

A____ was also gay, which really doesn't matter except for that Rice's parents were trying to understand what their son was feeling, so they tried to imagine what it would be like if one of their friends, who is gay, died.

When one of your dearest friends dies it doesn't matter if they slept with people of the same sex, opposite sex, horses, or stuffed bunnies, you know? They couldn't understand that his sexuality, though an important part of who he was, wasn't his defining characteristic.

When my MIL tells me I haven't really lost anything it's this world view speaking. She's trying to be helpful. Mostly it hurts and she's pissing me off, but she's trying to make it better. When she says it's best because I won't have to go on the gluten-free diet, or have to worry about breastfeeding, or have to pay the hospital or doctor, or have a pregnancy to deal with when Avadore has his surgery this month, or a pregnancy to deal with while settling into the new house, she's trying to help, trying to help me feel better with logic ... I think. She's not trying to be mean or malicious, I'm sure of it. She's trying to make me feel better. She tells me it's okay to feel sad and I'll probably always feel sad about it, but she also says I have to get over it so I can take care of my family -- well, she's just trying to help.

This is what I tell myself so I don't hit her. And I believe I'm telling myself the truth.

I tried to explain that her "positives" don't matter -- when you have a baby the "inconveniences" like a different diet don't matter, not really. It's what one does for their kids. But she misunderstood.

And I don't dare tell her off, or tell her she's wrong, nicely or no -- she'll be horribly hurt and go to the FIL and be upset, and he'll turn into a bear, and they'll either a) quit talking to me about anything other than the weather again (which would be okay, I suppose, though I'd rather the family got along most of the time), or b) he'll come and tell me what for, or he'll tell Rice what for. And they'll remember it for a long, long, long time. She still holds pain and hurt from things people have said and done since she was young. And so does he.

I forgive and get over things much more easily. Instead of being upset about the events relating to the in-laws and A________, I roll my eyes.

So I'll get over it. I'll probably not be upset later today. BUT the next time they start promising they'll do something with my kids I will be more on the ball. Unless there is a good reason there will be no backing out, or they will be the ones to deal with it with the kids. They can tell them why plans are being canceled and why.

Things happen, plans change. The kids need to know that. They need to learn about hurt and disappointment. But they also need to learn about trust and integrity and accountability.