eh so i just got into a nother fight with my mom. what can i say that hasn't been said before? it's a cycle. we don't to each other for a few days, and then all our efforts to be civilized are shot to hell. she is so explosive, when she gets angry she yells and screams and throws things, but it doesn't scare me, and i don;t care. just now when i came down here to go on the computer she was watching tv. as soon as i walked into the room, she turns off the tv and practically runs upstairs. she thinks she is playing some kind of mindgame with me, like maybe i want her around or something. i don't care if i sit alone down here. all she does is tell me everything that's wrong with me, well i am sick and tired of hearing it, and i'm not going to sit here and cry because of it. it doesn't bother me anymore, as long as i don't have to be around her i am fine. i've convinced myself long enough that i was worthless, and i'm fucking sick of it. she isn't god, what she says is not set in stone, her view on things isn't always the right one. and she sits there and wonders why i never tell her things, yet when i tell her one thing she asks me a million questions about it and makes a big deal of it and it's just better if i never open my mouth at all. i don't know what everyone else is like with their parents and i don't care. she won't make me feel guilty for quitting work, i don't care what she says, i knew as soon as i quit she was going to call me lazy and all this fucking bullshit and i was right, but i don't care, because i am going to work with laura, and the next time she offers to take me clothes shopping i am going to say no so that she can't bring it back in my face. she makes me so angry, i know i should like my mother, and i feel bad that i don't, but i almost can't help it, and then she says all this stuff that makes me feel bad, "oh i'm so proud that you're in acting" yet she'll blame me for the acting lessons, like i demanded them, when in fact they were offered to me. i said i didn't even want them because i felt bad, but she went ahead and got them anyway, only to say two weeks later,"you think i'm rich? i'm spending money that i don't have on you, blah blah blah" well i'm fucking god damn sorry i was born, i'm sorry i'm making you bankrupt, i really am. she says it all just to make me feel guilty, and it works i guess, because yes i do want clothes if she offers them but then i feel bad afterwards because she had to spend her money on me. ok, so the next time she gives me something, i will say no. there's so much we'll never get to in counseling, there's so much i can't even begin to tell andrea. but i don't care. whatever. going to school and being away from her keeps me happy. anyways... last night i went to the city with drama to see thouroughly modern millie. it was so much fun. i love the city, everytime i go it's like a rush, it's so good to be away from quiet little ramsey where everyone has two kids and a dog and a picket fence. the play was really good, and i had a a lot of fun on the bus too, and i got home really late, and i love getting homr late because i always feel so important. except it wasn't fun today when i was falling alseep in all my classes. i have also made the decision that me and jordan are going to do something for opus, i am going to play guitar and she is going to sing. i already started learning the freshmen by the verve, but now that i think about it, i remember jordan saying that song goes too low for her to sing. oh well, i'll make her sing it, because i'm not unlearning that song. i have homework to do now, yay.