today i slept late. today i wore black and walked inside of a church for the first time in a very long time. but it didn't matter that i did not consider myself a christian or a catholic or whatever. today i went to a funeral.

when i walked inside it was so quiet. i mean i wasn't expecting cheerleaders and noisemakers and people selling hot dogs. but it was just so quiet, and there were so many people in there, all so quiet, i thought they could hear my heart beat. when i walked in everyone turned to see who i was. i found a seat in front of jordan. she was with brendan. i was with no one. i wish i was. i've never felt so alone.

there were people all around me and yet i felt so isolated and lonely. i felt like a crying black figure, one out of many, and i just wish another warm body was there with me. whatever.

everyone from school was there. well not everyone. just about ecery senior and many juniors and lots and lots of other people. i remember when i was little and my mom used to drag me to church and i would hate going because i always thought it was so boring and i could never understand why people liked coming. but today i felt very safe there and i realize that in tough times you cannot rely on human shoulders to catch your tears. i felt like i had no choice but to believe in god because only something as mysterious and vague as god could make this seem any better. none of us in there had any answers or reasons. but knowing that god did and that she was with god does not bring a lot of comfort but it does bring some. sitting in the pew i wondered if she could see me.

as the service went on i felt more and more alone. i kept thinking back to when i was little and i would hear these prayers and they might as well have been falling on deaf ears. they took on a new meaning today and even though i don't accept everything religon says i definitely believe in god.

afterwards my mom picked me up. we went out to eat and then went shopping. i really only felt like being with my mom. and i wanted to go home. the weather outside was a perfect reflection of our moods. it was rainy and dreary and for once i did not mind the rain on my head. i did not go to the actual burial. i didn't think i could handle much more. seeing someone going into the ground forever. i had to get away. and for a little my mind was elsewhere as we went shopping but as soon as we got home i started to think about it again. i took a nap for two hours. being sad really takes the energy away. i had a dream i went back to the chuch tonight and jordan's mom was there and i had been in a car accident and i was going to visit her grave. very odd. then i woke up and called joe. i feel bad for him because he has to listen to me. but i am the type who likes to talk about things until they get out of my system. and i really wanted him there today. but whatever.

and there are some people in this world i really do not like. in my opinion, every senior should have been there today. she was one of theirs. they owe it to her to go. and if they didn;t go, it just seems like they don't care. and now i am going to bash valentin, becasue he is the most heartless person i have seen in my life.

at first i thought he was funny and then i realized that he only cares about himself. one day in lunch the special education kids were sitting at a table next to ours eating lunch. they do that once a week. it doesn;t bother me at all. but apparently it bothers valentin. he was like "shouldn't they be in a separate cafeteria?" and carol was like,"why would they be there? we have a special program for them here, that's why they come here." and he was like "well i don't think they should be here." so i said "who cares? are they bothering you?" and he was like, "yes, they're not normal." and i was like are you serious? and he said yes. wait a fucking minute. let's talk about being normal. why don't you go back to your communist homeland where you belong and where people shoot people in the streets everyday and you know what maybe one day you can get in the way of one of those bullets. who cares if everyone is not the same and who cares if kids who need some extra help sit near us at lunch. i mean they were just minding their own business and that stupid sack of shit has to go and be "offended." and that's not even the worst. on monday everyone was crying. and you know what that sack of shit says? he was like "why is everyone crying? it doesn't do anything for the person, if you die you die. but it doesn't bring them back. animals don't do it." and just the way he said it, the way he said it, it was like he could not relate at all to what human beings go through. i coudln;t even believe he would say that especially when the first day back at school was the harfest for everyone. does he feel anything? if i went to his house and shot his family, would he even care? i swear to god. he has to be the most insensitive worm i ever saw. and he sits at our table at lunch like we want him there, and then he makes fun of us! like he'll tell us we're boring and unfunny. GO TO HELL

GO TO HELL VALENTIN.

get the hell out of our country, you fricken box of used tampons. he thinks he is better than everyone because he wears black shoes and eats two philly cheesesteaks for lunch and has an accent and thinks he's all tough and you know what who cares if someone dies, as long as my name is valentin. what a pussy name. seriously. anyway. and then he goes around wearing a fricken christmas hat. i should have pissed on it when i first saw him wearing it. you know what, tomorrow i am gonna tell him off. how can he even put that on his head and claim he is in the christmas spirit when he has no regard for human life whatsoever. i hate that kid. ever since this whole thing i have been careful about saying things like "i'm gonna die" and "she's gonna kill me" and stuff. but you know what? right now i'm not feeling so bad about wishing death on that kid. he completely deserves it. he is so unworthy of anything that a decent human should be subjected to. he should be locked in a cage and fed old shoes and moldy prunes.

anyway. going to this funeral has brought a little closure. it is real. and i think the worst is over for me. i can only get better from here. but i know for many other people it is not better and this does not resolve anything. i feel for them. but i also feel like i need to be with people who make me happy and do things i enjoy. i feel sort of bad because i think i am sort of coming to term with some things and i know other people are not. but i guess everyone is different and for me i can't think of all these sad things much longer. taryn will always be in my thoughts from now until the day i meet her. this is definitely something that has changed my life and i can't change it back. my heart goes out to her family and friends.

peace and love.