it's time for a gut spilling.

i think i should keep track of all the girls who like joe. like where ever i go, 5 million of them hunt him down. it;s like dating jordan or something, always people in the hall. maybe i should be happy that my boyfriend is so loved amongst the oppostie sex. actually maybe i SHOULDN'T be happy at all! because no, sorry, no.

i went through this shit last year. not fun. but come on. just...no. i am a very insecure person. and that insecurity leads to extreme jealousy.

take last night.

joe told me he was having a girl over and that she wanted to bathe with him. i swear to god. i just sat there in front of the computer screen not blinking. like what am i supposed to do, alert the media? and he was like, i thought you would like to know. um, i wouldn't like to know, actually. this is why i need to get male friends. so yea. and i know this all sounds evil and bitchy but what the fuck am i supposed to think when he tells me this, am i supposed to be happy? sometimes i can't wait to go to college and get away from all this and have a car and do whatever the fuck i want. i just want to not be owned by anyone. i hate being owned and i hate being controlled. ugh. and i hate worrying everyday. what if somthing happened? i would kill myself. seriously.

ah, i just don't know. sometimes i wish people paid that much attention to me. i love attention. if i am not the center of attention i get pissed. i will admit that. and i guess the only jobs that are suitable for me are the ones that involve me being the center of everything. like acting. or something. i just can't fricken wait. i can't wait to be in a play or a movie or a commercial for two seconds or something, i forgot how much i loved being up on a stage. i have also been thinking about making movies too. it's gettings worse and worse. everyday i think of like 12 movies. like i'll just see a house and think of a movie to go with it and i'll act it out in my head. and at night when i can't sleep i make all these stories and imagine them being movies and people watching them. it's so odd. i don't think anyone understands. joe definitely doesn't. but i don't care because it's just how my mind works. my life is like one large script. i just can't wait to get out of ramsey.

the only things to do here are to get drunk and party and be an arrogant asshole. i don't want to get drunk and go to parties and then see those people monday at school. i want a city. i want a city with so many people and so many stories and i want to make something i want people to like it. and then i want lots of money so i can buy lots of things.

i just want to change people's minds. i want the powet to persuade them, to make them think a certain way. i just want to do to much. in this small town i can't do any of it.

i'm going to go.