today it snowed and one of my sister's friends called and asked if my sister could go over her house and play in the snow. my mom said she wouldn't take her, and then my sister said to her friend that my mom was mean.

then my mom flipped a shit. she started cursing and yelling at my sister while i was just sitting there trying to enjoy my fruit salad. then she started being all weird and saying,"oh yep, mrs boring lives here(meaning herself) mrs fucking boring who never lets her kids do anything, why don't you just put a sign on the door that says mr and mrs boring live here!" and she kept going on and on like that forever. like she would walk down the hall and just start off again even when no one else was talking. and the thing that got me the most was when she said, "how am i supposed to have a good day now when you said i was mean?"

now let's hold it for a minute. my mother is always calling me a bitch, a slut, telling me she wished i was never born, saying i have a lousy attitude, etc. and the one time my sister calls her mean, she just can't fucking take it, can she? and she thinks by belittling me it will somehow make me overcome my depression and start being all nice and respectful but does calling her mean make her nicer? no! she said it herself that she wouldn't be able to have a good day now because of that one little word slipping out of my sister's mouth, yet when she does the same thing to me, she wonders why it doesn't change the way i am. she can't take when her children call her things but she can sure dish it out. she's so fucking stupid. i am so used to her calling me things thatr i am used to it, when she starts babbling i just don't listen because you know what, i have a basket case for a mother. and then she walks around the halls of my humble abode making it seem like none of us care about her, and she is right. well i don't care about her, at least. i really don't. i have learned not to because anytime i trust in her, anytime i open myself up to her i just get bitten in the ass. and my mom thought that i wasthe only one who thought she was boring, that at least she had little adriana who was on her side and now that she isn't, my mother is afraid that maybe she really is boring, that maybe we want to do something in our lives besides be best friends with our mother. my mom has no contact with the otuside world so she has to be best friends with my sister and now my sister is slowly but surely starting to grow up and realizing that my mother is not a mentally healthy woman. my mother lives up people's asses. she has tp be omnipotent, she has to know everything that everyone is doing, and you know what happens when something crawls up your ass? you shit it out.


sometimes you cannot have relationships with certain people and my mother is one of those people. i look at other kids who actually loves their parents and sometimes i get sad. but their parents are not like mine, and i know a lot of people have it worse, and i feel for them. my mother gets so offended when i want to hang out with joe or my friends instead of sitting around the house all day. she was like, "we do lots of family activities." no we don't. she thinks cleaning the house is a family activity. she said "if you set the table and clean the dishes you wouldn't be so bored." yea, mom. good thinking there. everyone will be jealous that i got to break out the bottle of palmolive and clean the dishes.

sometimes i wonder if my mom will commit suicide. she often says things like how miserable she is living here, how she hates me, how i make her feel like crap, blah blah blah. should i feel guilty? probably. but it's so weird. it's like i have no emotions left for her. she is to me like music is to a deaf man. there is no use for her. she makes me seem like a criminal, like a horrible rotten person, and maybe i am. but i don't think i am that bad, and i think my mother is becoming insane. she sits inside the house all day watching the cooking channel and eating. she doesn't do anything. i'm not 3 anymore. she can't take me places and all that shit. and my sister is getting older and my father refuses to talk to my mother as well. she's going nuts. i used to think my father was mean for not talking to her but now i see that he was only doing what he could to keep from shooting himself. my mother tried so hard for us to be a family, and we just shit all over her. and i don't care, either. and i don't care if i go to hell for saying that, because as soon as i start caring it begins again.

i think this is the last entry about her because there is nothing new to say. nothing new ever happens it just happens in different ways. i am glad i am going to a psychiatrist. she makes me feel not as crazy as i thought i was. i am comfortable with hating my mother and comfortable with myself, sort of. i know i am not a slut, that i am not always a bitch, and that i have feelings which deserve to be respected. i know that saying something doesn't make it true, and feeling something doesn't make you crazy. i am going to draw.