i know i already wrote about this but there are feelings and other nameless things that need to be addressed, and the only way i can get them out and move on is to write about them. so here goes.

the bell rings and i am walking down the hall to math. i see joe. when i see him, it makes me happy. i passed him, and he pulled me over to him, and he gave me a necklace he had made out of hemp. i was happy. i said thank you and i hugged him. and then he said, stop, and he pulled me away from him. and it was then i knew something was very very wrong.

he looked at me. and i said what's wrong? and he said, this isn;t working out, i'm sorry. you know it wasn't working out.

i swear to god. you know when something so unbelievable happens, that you think it's a joke, and you almost laugh, and your heart gets all funny, and everything freezes around you? well, yea, that was basically it. i can only think of one thing to describe what i felt, and it's something i heard on a simpsons episode way back when i was little. it was like ripping my heart out and stomping on it.

i can picture his face, so cold, like he had never known me. he had shaved. his face looked so smooth and pale next to the windows in the hall, and then i couldn't smell him anymore, and i knew he meant this. his face was not smiling, and his eyes, they were so painful, they looked so foreign, when yesterday they had been so inviting. people say a lot with their eyes.

i can remember backing away from him, almost smiling, because i thought it was a joke, but he turned and he walked away. and i went to class. and i walked in the room and i looked for jordan. and i started crying. a little at first, with my face in my hands, and then alot; and then jess schwarz and jordan took me to miss schoe.

i have never, ever cried so hard in my entire life. i have never felt so worthless, i have never wanted to go back in time as much as i did then. i just sat there and cried and she watched me and said a few things, things i expected her to say; what could she say that could have possibly made anything better? she said "i didn't realize how attatched you were to him." yea, neither did joe. and then i went to wait for him outside his class because she said i could if i wanted to, so i did.

and i told him i was willing to do anything to make it work, and that i wanted to know what i had done that was so bad that would make him want this to end. and i don't know, his answer was not much of an answer, he just sort of stared at me, and it was the most distubring thing ever. i was breaking up inside and he was just standing there, he was such a stranger then, it was like he had never known me. he kept looking at me with his eyes really going into mine, but he was finding nothing in them, and it hurt so much to look at him, because he did not love me anymore. he said some stuff. like "we never had anything in common, i don't even know how we got together in the first place." that hurt a lot. nothing in common. i know what he meant. i was too fucking straight edged for him. and that all we did together was sit in a room in do nothing. wow. i can't even begin to comprehend that. he said other things too, i don't even know if he meant them or if he needed something to say, but it was so odd. and then i asked him why he had given me this necklace, and he said something like he wanted me to be happy.

he wanted me to be happy.

ha.

and then i said, i really want to hug you right now, but i can't. and that was the truth. i really did want to hug him, and he did hug me, but he probably hated it, and it was so weird hugging him and crying into him knowing he was the reason i was crying. knowing this was it. it's over. and then he said he had to go to class and he walked away.

and i followed because the door was locked and i had to go in the same way as he was going, and on the way there i started crying again, because it was finished now, and there was no more. he told me not to cry. he seemed annoyed. well, i'm sorry joesph, i really am. and then he left me there, and went inside, and we are no more.

that was how it went. i keep replaying it in my mind. last night when i was taking a shower something very strange happened. i got this really bad feeling about joe, like he had been hurt. but it wasn't just a "what if" type of thing, this feeling was so intense that i cried for about 45 minutes. i kept picturing he was dead somewhere, and that i would never see him again. and then i started imagining what it was like to break up with him, and i can't even describe how weird it was, because it was like i was actually going through it. and today when this happened, i started thinking about last night, and of how i was feeling the exact same way. today, in the morning before he dumped me, i asked him if he was okay last night, because of these really weird feelings. he said he was fine. but now i wonder if, as i was feeling those things, he was planning on how he was going to tell me.

and now i need to reflect.

there were things in this relationship that i saw but put into the back of my head. there were little red flags that came up every so often. now i admit, i fucked up sometimes too, and i said and did the wrong thing on occasion. but i never thouhgt i had done anything that bad to make this happen. i knew this was going to happen someday. i knew i would have to face it. and i knew that when it happened i would not be ready for it at all.

and i am not ready for it.

i don't think he knew how i felt about him. i don't think he knew the feelings i had and how hard i would take this. i really don't know what was in his head, but he probaby thought i over reacted. he never seemed to get upset about anything. and i should have seen that.

but everything is done now. everything has happened and i can't make him like me again. he told me he didn't know how we were ever together in the first place, and that it was done and over with. so there is nothing. but what can i do? i can't make him like me. i can only deal with what i got. i don;t wish anything different. i only wish i could be over feeling this way. and to be honest, i don't know where to go from here. i don't know if i have ever felt so alone. and at least when i was with joe, if i was cold he would put his arm around me. well he isn't here now, so i guess i have to keep myself warm.