here i am, staring at the little screen that is my life, the ads popping up and the comforting sound of the keyboard surrouding me as i let a little more of my insides escape.


lately everyone has been asking me what i feel. they have been asking me what i am thinking about. and i just don't know. i know people care enough to ask. they ask if i am happy, if i am upset, what it was i was just thinking about, why i had that distant look on my face. the answer is, i feel nothing. i am just going through all these motions, going through each day, not really feeling or thinking about anything. i used to feel a lot more, i used to give a shit, but now i find that i don't. what good is feeling all these things when it just comes back to bite you in the ass anyway? no, i'm not happy. but i'm not sad either. everything is just kind of happening, and i think i am just going to let it happen instead of sitting around and thinking so hard about it.

and lately there have been people asking me very personal things and i have not been able to give them an answer to their face. the answer is, leave me the hell alone, stop trying to tell me how i should feel, because i will figure it out on my own. seriously. people think i am some little child and that i need help and that they are little miss pyschologist and that they need to get into my head and tinker around with it and act like i am some wounded animal. i hate that. i really hate being treated like some inferior dumb shit female whose only purpose is to lose my identity inside the arms of someone else. i don't need a fucking father, i don't need a psychologist, and i am sick of people asking me all these stupid questions that i do not have the answer to, and i know this entry does not make sense but i don't wanna mention any names.

all i really wanted was a good friend, and i thoughti found one, but no, i can't have any friends unless i am willing to date them or something. and that really hurts me a lot, because it just does, knowing i am worth shit. the end, i am tired.