it was warm out, and i am wearing a skirt, and my sandals, and up till then i have been hiding myself behind my headphones, not knowing what was coming, i never want to face it. then we pull up to the funeral home, and we walk inside, and i brace myself, i take one last breath of air before i go in there. then there is a room, and i think i hear a cry..and i see a glimpse of my grandmother, she is pacing around the room, crying almost to the point of screaming, and i don't know what to do. i don't know how to handle it. and i see over in the corner, there is a bald head, i know that head, there is a coffin, and there is a body, and that is my grandfather.

my grandmother walked up to him, her hands clasped in prayer, her eyes barely opened and flooded with tears, and she cried in her thick italian accent, "daddy! daddy, where are you?" and then i turned myself to him, lying there, so peacefully, looking so calm, and i couldn't help it, i had to cry. so many things hit me at once, it was like i had just been hit by a truck. i sat down next to my grandmother, and people came streaming in. seeing them cry made me cry even more, and i don't know, i can;t handle this, i never thought it would be this hard. even all the nights after i thought about his death, all the times i thought about what it was going to be like when i found out, all the images i had tried to get ready for, nothing on god's green earth could never prepare me for the pain, the helplessness, the way my heart was breaking, nothing can ever prepare you for that. i sat there on the couch looking at him for a very long time, just waiiting for him to move. he looked so thin. but i will admit, his face, the way they made him up, he looked so natural. i swear, i thought i saw his chest move, i even got excited.

i don't understand it. i don't understand it. if i could change just one thing in this world, it would be so that man did not have to die. i got to talking with some of my family, and we all shared memories we had, and they were all happy, anyone who had ever known him had loved him, and it made me feel so guilty, here i am, being so self absorbed, when he had put anyone and everyone before him. i don't want him to go. please god, don't make him go. i love him so much. i really really love him, i want to see him, where is he? i remember being at the hospital, and he looked at me and said, "mandeee, pretty soon you're going to be driving me around." and i had smiled and said yea, and now, now he'll never see that, i never talk to him again, i don't want him to die.

this all sounds so childish, me pleading like he wasn;t dead yet, but then again, the very emotion of being sad and crying for something is in itself childish. i just feel like something was stolen from me, like because someone so good had died, the world was worse off. i don't know. i have to go cry, because i have been wanting to all night, and i was too scared too.