ah, the yelling started today right after school. my mother does not procrastinate when it comes to yelling, yes, she starts right in as soon as possible so she can make my entire day shitty and continue to incorporate everything i do wrong into the vortex that is my failure.

apparently the school i am going to this summer for acting sent home a bunch of papers that i was supposed to read. and instead of showing them to me and telling me i had to read them, she hoards them, reads them herself, does not show them to me for two weeks, and then accuses ME for not taking the initiative. what the fuck, am i supposed to walk into the house, stick my nose out into the air, and go, "gee, i'm sensing some mail that has been addressed to me, did you happen to receive any letters from the school for film and television today, oh kind and loving mother?" maybe if you would FUCKING GIVE ME THE PAPERS THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO READ, THEN MAYBE I WOULD DO IT. and as she is yelling about that, she proceeds to yell about everything i have ever done wrong since the time i was conceieved. if my mother had one wish, it would be that had gotten an abortion. seriously. when your mother tells you that she doesn't care if you pick out of a garbage can for the rest of your life, that she never wants to see your fucking ugly face again, and that you are a complete and utter failure to her, you can't help but wonder these things. but i know i am not a failure. i am just not like all the other goody two shoes out there who wants to be a shoe salesman. i'm sorry if i see things a little differently than you, mother. i'm sorry if my talents are in other things besides solivng for x in an equation. i know i'm not the perfect little child you wanted me to be and that you can't do anything about it. now all that's left for you to do is to blame all your problems on me, just like you always do, because everything that goes wrong in your life is somehow my fault.

oh yes, and lest we forget that my mother is always like, "you never talk to me, you never tell me anything, you don't even know what you want to do when you get out of here!" wait a minute. i'm supposed to TALK to you now? after you just told me you hated me and never wanted to see me again, you want me to talk to you? and what on god's green earth could i possibly say that would not result in more yelling, verbal abuse, and telling me that i will never amount to anything? i think she is just afraid that maybe i do actually have some talent, and that i will leave her and her little miserable world behind when i get out of here. i really don't need that much to live on. a cell phone, some food and clothes, and some shelter, that's really it. but she doesn't want me to become successful. she wants me to need her forever, so that she can continuously turn me down, humiliate me, act like she has it so much better than me and that i should have listened to her. nope, not gonna happen. i don't expect to turn 18 and instantly become a millionaire. i exepct it to be hard, i expect to be poor, i expect to work for it. but if i can do what i love and not have to hear her irate sceaming in my face all the time, i think i might just be happy.

and all this time my mother has been constantly telling me that i didn't put any work into studying, that if i didn't improve she was going to break my neck, and the like. well. i got my score today, and i got a 1250. now, i think a 1250 is pretty damn good, compared to the 1030 i got on my psat. when i opened the envelope, i was expecting a much lower score, and when i saw the numbers, i was like wow, and i was very proud of myself. and you know what my mother said? absolutely nothing. she was speechless. and she was angry, i could see it in her eyes, i could see the way she was searching for something to criticize, and she coudln't find it. because she had been waiting for me to fail, she couldn't wait to tell me how miserable and lowly i was, and tell me how ungrateful i am and how i wasted her money, and low and behold, i proved myself to be well, not as stupid as she thought. and knowing that i beat her at her own game, that is priceless. eventually she did come up with something negative. "well if you had looked at that other book, you could have gotten in the 1300's, blah blah." yea, it didn't get to me much. because either way, i win. either i actually studied hard, or i was just naturally good at taking the sats. we all know the latter is not true. and this angered her. so much that later she came downstairs while i was on the computer, slapped me really hard across the face, and told me to get the fuck upstairs and fill out my sheet for school or else she would sell all my belongings. that, my friends, is christianity for you.

this is the woman who read my grandfather a bible passage as he lay taking his last breath. this is the woman who reads countless books on the bible, studies the bible, attends prayer groups, and is constantly calling ME a satan worshipper. and this is why i refuse to accept any kind of organized religion. you know what religion does for you? absolutely nothing. if you are not a good person, nothing will change you, it will only cover it up.

so fuck you, mom.