i'm sitting in a 5 million dollar apartment in manhattan. it's the last week of my acting school, and i'm spending the last weekend with my four friends. when i came here i had no idea what to expect. on the forst day i thought i wouldn't make any friends, i would sit in a room by myself running lines.

but coming here was a wake up call, and it taught me so much that i could not possibly put it into words. when i come back home, i know i'm not going to be able to explain it to all my friends. you just had to be here.

i realize i'm probably not going to pursue acting. back home i thoght i was so good, that this was all so easy, that everything would fall into place. but then i come here, and there's a million and one kids all in the same position i am. people here have been in movies and commercials and have agents and have been doing this forever. the chances of me rising above them are slim to none, and my teacher richard made me realize that. but even with that said, i have learned so much here about life and people and all that fun shit.

i spent the first few weeks with my three friends, jojo, sara, and anna. we did everything together, and on the 4th of july we had a party at jojo's house and watched the fire works. it was that night i hooked up with tom. little did i know that i was only a piece of ass to him. we hooked up a total of three times and then we just stopped talking, and i was pissed for a little, not because i wanted a relationship or anything, but because it would have been nice to say hi to me once in a while. he winds up fucking this girl later on anyway. so i think he's an asshole.

then we met these guys. jon, ben, mike, and steve. i didn't really think any of them were cute, but we started hanging out with them everyday, and then i sorta started to like jon. and there were opportunities when i could have hooked up with them but i never took them because i was too nervous. he would sleep in my room because i had a tv in there and we would watch movies till 3 in the morning. i would sleep in his room, and he would invite me to come with him places. but even so i didn't do anything about it.

one weekend ben had this party at his house. so me and my friend jessica snuck out of our dorms and took a train to long island. i smoked up and then just fell asleep, because that's what i always do when i get high, and anyway i didn't wanna be awake anyway because jessica was flirting with everyone and it was pissing me the fuck off. ben's friends aren't my type anyway.

so the next day we came back to the dorms, and jon is having a party at his house in new jersey and he wants us us to come, so we snuck out of the dorms again and took a train to somerset. it was a sunday night and we got there around 1 in the morning, and by that time everyone had drank all the beer, so we smoked up again, and it was fucking good shit, and everyone kept asking me if i was alright. then jon comes over to me and takes me upstairs, lies me on a bed and puts a blanket over me. he woke me up the next morning and we took a train back to new york. and then once we got there we all had to go to school, and i almost died from being so tired. that was the most fun weekend i ever had in my life, seriously.


so this weekend, jon gets some beer, and of course brings it to my room, and i have some, and then what do you know, we hook up. it was actually pretty nice. he left last night. before he left he called me up and told me to come in his room because he wanted to say one last goodbye. i was wearing this shirt my friend had let me borrow, and i walk in there and he looks at me and said i looked nice. then he said he's going to a party in new jersey tonight and for me to come, but i didn't want to because i was spending the last weekend with my friends. he was like come on come on just come but i didn't...i said maybe i'd come tomorrow or something. so he said ok and we hugged and he left. he called a few hours later to see how i was doing, and then told me to call him the next day.

and there we have the summer fling. it was so much fun dammit, and now that i think about it i'm really gonna miss it. he's hot. dammit.

the night we drank, i woke up at 4:15 in the morning, because we were going to good morning america and you need to wait in line because usher was there, and we all wanted to see him. i really just wanted to pass out, i felt like i was gonna puke, and i was sleeping on jon's room, but i got up and left him there and me and ana took a taxi there. there were all these black people yelling and shit, and i felt like absolute crap so we walked around times square. it was deserted. and walking through all the dirty streets with the tall building and billboards shouting to no one made me think how lucky i was to be here, and how i could never be the same person again. this was the greatest experience of my life. so maybe i had a crappy mattress in my dorm and i never got any sleep and i always went to class feeling like i was going to pass out. maybe i smoked weed in people's rooms and snuck out of the dorms and ate fast food all the time and stayed up to all hours of the night watching movies and talking with my friends. so maybe i wound up wearing the same pair of pants everyday. i wouldn't trade this in for anything, even if i never act again in my life.

sometimes i miss the quiet stillness of ramsey. sometimes i miss how i could just lie on my bed and listen to the radio and not have to answer to anyone or anything. sometimes i want my own bathroom and my flatscreen tv. but this is really what i needed, to get out of the constant repetition of waking up and walking outside the door and seeing the same stores i've seen for 14 years.

i've seen famous people, such as p diddy, eva mendez, hilary duff, and i went to a concert where fountains of wayne was playing. jon invited me to a 311 concert but i wound up not going. nothing mattered here. no one knew me and that was probably the best thing, because i had a fresh start. i think i have more friends here in 6 weeks than i do back home after living there all my life. i don't wanna come home. i love it here. but at the same time i miss my friends so much. i wish they could have been here with me. claudia is going to move soon. i don't want her to, i want her to stay. everything is going to change, and being here prevents me from seeing those changes. all the stress i had before i left is gone. i feel like in the city i could do anything,i had no rules, my mom wasn't there telling me what to do and how to do it, i bought my own food, did my own wash, chilled with people until i couldn't keep my eyes open. sometimes i wanted to cry to my mom, but i didn't. i will always remember this as the best summer i ever lived to, and sometimes i wonder if it really happened because it was so unreal. this is one of those things that changes you.

i'm going to go shopping now.