i woke up in new york and i slept in new jersey.

i can't put into words what this summer was for me. it was much more than memorizing lines and then saying them in front of a camera. in fact, i think i learned more about myself and everything around me than i ever did in acting. i don't even wanna act anymore. all my dreams of being a famous movie star are dead and gone. fuck being famous. it's not like i'm going to be walking down the street and then some director is gonna run up to me and then wisk me away to a movie set. there's a million kids just like me and god knows i'm not the one who's gonna rise above them.

i remember the first time i walked into the dorm and it was tiny and pale. i sat down on my bed, the plastic unvomfortable bed, and listened to people talking and laughing out in the hall. i was all alone, and i had a view of an office building across the street, and all night long i stared at a fern in the window. i hated it. i wanted to go home, i wanted to talk to my friends, i wished i could be more social. i felt so small. i didn't even understand how the streets worked in the city.

and now, 6 weeks later, i can catch a cab, take the subway, find anything in the city, and i probably have more friends there than i do here. i learned how to put eyeliner on, how to make my curls moist, how to talk to people, how to use a credit card, how to live on my own. i feel like i've lived two different lives...the boring uneventful one here, and the cool one in new york. now i'm back home, i feel like i'm completely different, and i have to get used to doing nothing again.

this year is gonna be different. fuck everyone. i'm not scared of them anymore. there's no use in being shy. it's a waste of time because they're all just people, and if they don't like me they can eat my ass. no one helped me get to new york. i auditioned, i payed for it, i lived it, i did it for myself. no one did my laundry. no one fed my ass. i did it all by myself. and being away from everyone here made me realize how much i don't miss anyone at all. i mean i missed my 4 friends, but that's it. college is coming up, and i've been scared about leaving everything i know and going somewhere totally strange. but after doing it, i realize it fucking rocks. no one knows you, no one judges you, you can start over again. i got just as close to my friends in new york as i did here, and in 6 weeks nonetheless. nothing i did in ramsey mattered to anyone and it was the greatest feeling ever.

i guess all i have to say is that i learned a lot and changed as a person. i'm definitely not the same as i was when i left. things don't mean as much to me anymore.

and now i am off.