I really hate my mother. I always knew she thought I was some kind of fucked up hardcore drug dealer with a police record who was going to wind up in a penetentary afraid to drop the soap in the shower. I always knew what she thought about me but she had never actually come out and said it so I couldn't be positive. But tonight she did, and I really hope she dies so that I can take her car.

Such a heartless thing for me to say, isn't it? How could I say something like that about the person who brought me into this world? Very easy.

Every Saturday my dad and my sister bake pizza. My dad always goes food shopping before and comes home late and makes the pizza late and my sister winds up eating at 9 o clock. My sister complained to my mom that she didn't want to wait that late to eat and my mom said something to my dad about it last week, and this week he did the same thing and when he came home from shopping my mom yelled at him for not having consideration for anyone but himseldf. The whole thing sounded a lot like an argument between me and my mother, and so of course she was like,"Your daughter does the same thing. I see where she gets it now, it's a learned behavior. You know Adriana loves making pizza with you, but you go out and disappoint her. You already have one fucked up daughter, and you might have another one." After she said that I couldn't even believe it. I just sat there like some piece of shit that had been run over by a car. And now I must vent my feelings towards my mother.

I hate you, you fucking stupid bitch. I know you wish I was never born. I know you think I ruined your life and now I am positive you think I am some fucked up lost cause that you're ashamed to call your child. I know you want me to leave the house one night and never come home and I know you feel that the family would be better off without me. Everything that has ever gone wrong in your life is somehow related to me and you know what, there comes a point where I can no longer be sorry about it anymore. It's to the point where anything I do I get in trouble for, because I am such a deviant little hell raiser what with my 3.6 GPA and 1250 SAT score. Yes, I'm definitely a spawn of Satan. And you'll never give me a car because you know that will entail freedom upon my horrid little life. You like the fact that you can control every little thing I do and you know that I won't spend a minute more than I have to in this house. And thanl the god lord that I only have one year left in this cesspool for a home and then I can leave and never come back. Thanks to you, I have no sense of family and no idea what a real, loving relationship between a man and a woman is like. You and dad really set such good examples for me, with your silent treatment and arguing and then calling me a fuck up to my face. Thanks for not being proud of anything I've ever accomplished. Thanks for not acknowledging anything about me except the times I messed up. Thanks for never supporting me and then having to bite your tongue when I actually did well. Thanks for being a horrible mother. You gave me lots of things and then rubbed it in my face later on, saying that I was such a failure and you couldn't believe how you wound up with someone like me for a kid. You made me feel the biggest piece of shit ever but would take it back by buying me something and then wonder why I was so miserable and why nothing you ever did sufficed. You're a horrible person and honestly, as much as I hate to say this, I really wouldn't care if you died. I know they say to be careful for what you wish for, but I just don't understand how I can continue to keep my sanity in a place where I am constantly scrutinized and accused of doing drugs and being called a failure. There's really only so much a person can take before they remove all emotional attachments. And I guess that's where I am right now. You're nothing but a place where I got 23 chromosomes from. You and the rest of the family mean nothing to me.

That was very intense. I'm going to go outside to listen to music and try and calm down even though it's freezing out and my doing so will probably result in more yelling and name calling and another 2 weeks that I won't be allowed to have a car. Oh well. I've only got a year left. Just one tiny year and I know it will go by so fast. Everyone gets what's coming to them.