When I was a freshman sitting in science I can remember the teacher telling us that the four years were going to go by so fast and me not believing him at all. And now that I walk through the halls and realize that I'll never see any of it again, I suddenly believe it, and I realize how quickly things change and how underneath the initial stubborness to move on we are built to accept it.

Claudia lives hundreds of miles away and today when I was talking to her on the phone I realized that we no longer had anything to talk about. I swore to myself a million times over that I would never let us lose contact, that our friendship would always stay fresh and valid. But how many times have I said that to myself about innumerable people, only to realize that without them living and breathing the same things I was, there wasn't any need for conversation. It makes me sad to think that I've lost her, although I still consider her my friend. In a way she is a casualty, we shared memories and laughed until our sides hurt but that isn't going to happen anymore. I'm going to get used to that.

I'm still driven by the same primitive needs that everyone else is, to have money and to obtain gratification from the opposite sex. I'm kind of giving up on the second one, because I realize that it doesn't make a difference one way or another, but it would be nice. Right now I'm so confused about everything. I thought that by this time I would have planned out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be and that going to the film school would have cleared some of those issues for me, but more than ever I am bewildered and unsure and it really bothers me. I hate not knowing, but then again, if I did know, the plans would just change in a matter of months like they always do. No matter how sure I am of something, another thing always comes and fucks it up. I don't know where I'll be in five years from now, or even in a year; I'm starting to think that I'm going to wind up on the streets begging for money like I witnessed so many people in the city doing. I like to do things but I don't love to do them, and the things I love to do I know I can never make a living off of. I really want to learn to play the drums so bad, I wish I could get a set and take lessons. I want to do that before I die. I really like art too, but in ceramics we're making this mask and I had to start mine over because it was so terrible and I got really discouraged. I don't really try hard at anything, and I guess maybe I should, but I'm just too unbelievably lazy. The things I do try hard at mean nothing and my attempts are futile. What do I try hard at? Starts with a b and ends with oys. Pathetic, isn't it...

I don't know what the point of this entry is, I'm just wasting more time before taking a shower because I'm too lazy to go upstairs. Man, I look at the freshman and they're all so tiny, I look at Joe and for once there are no feelings attatched to him anymore. I'm so happy for that. It's over and done with and my life has moved on and I sure as hell am not looking back. I don't give a fuck what he says about me, or what anyone says about me, and neither should anyone else.

Senior polls are out. There's nothing I could win, except for maybe best looking. Ha. That's fucking hilarious.