Tonight was a night where I sat in the front seat and let someone else do the driving and the music was on loud and all I could think about was the road ahead of me while she lit up a cigarette which reminded me of the city when I didn't care about anything. And so these thoughts resurface in my mind and I know that I want nothing and everything all at once.

I was at work today and somehow my manager, Kou, and I got on the topic of dating, and he said something along the lines of, "you only like the scumbags who treat you like crap." The thing is, he was
right in his own twisted British way. He named all of the guys who had walked into Dairy Queen who I had thought were attractive, and all were "scumbag" material, I guess you could say. But maybe they had winning personalities. Chances are they didn't. Having a boyfriend used to be the most pivotal thing in my life. With one I would be complete and happy and perfect and wonderful. On the contrary. All of my friends who are taken have nothing but problems. Too much time spent together, or not enough. Attraction to other people. Nothing in common. Pet peeves. To think at one point this was all I wanted. I was even going to kill myself if I had not gotten one by a certain age. Stupid, stupid me. I like to think that I want something romantic and sweet and compassionate yet when it's right there in front of my face I reject it. Scumbags, those are the type I find myself looking at the most, yet I refuse to be neglected and treated like crap. There's nothing left but to hook up with random people, but I hate that as well. So there's nothing there for me. Somehow I don't mind. I've learned to make myself happy and that sounds stupid and something your mother would say yet it's true, I see others always worrying what their boyfriends are up to and feeling pressured and I am glad I can go home and watch Dr. Phil in peace. I am done trying to make people think I am pretty or fun or cool or dating material. They think what they think. If someone likes me enough they'll pursue it, but as far as being the assertive woman, I'm done wih that too. Anytime I've tried being assertive and confident and persistent it's just been a bad turnout. I'll leave that to the guys.

I must type an english paper.