Observe this unusual incident as experienced by me on this, the seventh day of December.

It was during study hall, and my friend Jordan and I were sitting at a table in the cafeteira talking. A few tables back there was a bunch of freshmen and sophomore guys, I think they were mostly freshmen, but whatever. I'm sitting there, talking to Jordan about God knows what, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I feel something hit my back really, really hard. I thought someone had thrown a baseball at me, it was that hard. It took me so off guard that the only thing I could do was yell "OW!" and turn around rapidly. That is when I saw the bagel, cream cheese and all, sitting there pitifully on the floor next to me. And that is also when I stared into the beady eyes of the freshmen at the table as I noticed the huge blotch of cream cheese all over my black sweatshirt.

I would like to explain this with as much detail as possible. You know those moments on TV when there's some huge intimidating kid, and the dorky kid will accidentally pop his bubble gum in the kid's face, and then the bully gets this look on his face, and everyone just kinda stops what they were doing and watches? Yea well it was kinda like that, only I am not some large masculine beast. I describe the way I got up somewhat like a mother bear defending her cubs. I turned around, clutching my sweatshirt, and I yelled, "What the FUCK is your problem?"

No one answered me. The whole table just stared, probably because they didn't know what I was going to do or say. The kid who must have thrown the damn thing was just standing there like a tit flapping in the wind. This was my chance. There was a sub instead of the real teacher, and I knew she would be on my side anyway. There were only a few scattered kids in the study hall. I was a senior, they were freshmen. I could not let this go.

When they did not answer I kept talking. "What the hell is your problem, why don't you pick this shit up?" and then, "Jesus, you fucking assholes, you got any more bagels you wanna throw at me?" Curses and all. It was the most wonderful moment of my life. And then the one kid THREW a crumpled dirty napkin at me, like he was pissed because it was MY fault that while my back was turned he hurled a carbohydrate demon at me. So then I was like, "Don't THROW a napkin at me, go over there and GET me one!" Oh man! I DEMANDED him! And he actually went over and got me a clean one! And then while I was cleaning the shit off my clothes I said halfway to Jordan, halfway to them, "Jordan, do you have any extra shirts since these douchebags ruined this one?" By this time the sub had come over and was basically lightly scolding them, probably because I had taken the matter into my own hands by cursing vehemently. While we both walked out to go to her locker for the shirt, I called them a bunch of stupid prick douchebags, right so everyone could hear. And then when I came back into the cafeteria I gave them all the finger, and when one would turn behind me to stare, I would tell him to turn the fuck around, prick.

It was the single greatest day of my life. It really feels good to just explode all over someone's ass. I don't think I over reacted at all. First of all, are these kids raised in a fucking barn? I mean, after the bagel was thrown, no one apologized, no one offered to clean up, no one came over to hand me a napkin or anything, I had to fucking yell at them like I would yell at a dog for shitting on the floor! And then they all acted like it was my fault or something, like getting me a god damn napkin which was probably the least you could do after you skanked up my clothes was such a huuuugee chore. Jesus christ!

I don't care if these little turds think I am the biggest bitch to ever live. Good. I want them to think that so the next time they plan to have a food fight, which is what mature, decent people do, they will know not to aim at me. I'm tired of trying to be some nice, sweet innocent little flower that society wants me to be. I get angry, I curse, I degrade people. That's how it works. I wish I could have had it on tape or something. Later on someone told me they could hear it perfectly from down the hall. Absolutely beautiful.

If there is nothing else to learn from this, it is that you should keep your kids in cages to stifle their animal-like tendencies. And by all means, if someone gives you a problem, don't give them a chance to explain. Don't forgive them. Just attack them verbally until they are a pile of diarrhea on the floor.

I'm going to the gym.