Today has been a day that conflicted so perfectly and to top it off I would like to bitch about the human race a little bit more.

1. Feeling sorry for old people.
Whenever kids in my school are watching a video and an old person comes on, or something of that nature, they're always like, "awwwwwww" like the old person is some kind of newborn child. I don't get it. Old people are not cute. Old people don't need to be cooed at like some kind of animal lying in the street. Obviously, people in my school have never experienced the wrath of the elderly. The type of old person that comes in to Dairy Queen starved for ice cream, slowly making their way up the counter, smelling like mothballs and licking their dry, pallid lips as they prepare for speech. The kind of old person that talks down to me and orders me about and treats me like some kind of poisionous mushroom and then of course does not leave a tip. Oh yes, poor, helpess old people. It's not like their brains have rotted out and they need the sympathy of young, wrinkle-free do-gooders. When you're old and you're crossing the street, would you want some wide eyed teenager gawking at you, turning to her friend and saying, "Aw, look at that cute old person!" The answer is no.

2. People who complain about getting a 95 on a test.
There's nothing I love more than getting a test back only to see that I failed and then hearing the person behind me go, "Oh gumdrops, I only got a 93, I could have gotten a 99!" Shut up, you ungrateful little bastard. I honestly want to shove baked turd down the throats of these individuals. Can't you be happy with the grade that you got, you bloodsucking leech?

3. People who think they are the hottest shit ever.
I hate people. I really do. Take for example this one boy who shall remain nameless. He believes himself to be the most entrancing, well rounded person on the face of the planet. He is muscular, athletic, smart, and handsome. Why, slap this boy on the front of an Abercrombie bag! Whenever he walks into the room my eyes are suddenly transfixed on this lovely creature from God. His perfect quadrilateral jawline, the way he only chooses clothes in earthtones of browns and grays, the way his vasity jacket is draped with such careful negligence on the back of his seat. I love to listen in on his manly, intellectual conversations about beer and football. The word masculine is flawlessly illustrated by his existence. His seed is the only one worthy to be passed on. I wish I could have the honor. I wish I could marry someone who resembles a shovel, I really do. Oh how I hate guys with such winning characteristics such as the ability to smile, a sense of humor, a personality, you know, those stupid pussy things. God I hate that kid.