Today was Easter. Today I sat at a table and listened to the homeless and the very poor tell me they needed clothing and a bus pass to visit the doctor. I poured glasses of juice and watered down lemonade while others piled cheeseburgers and beans onto styrofoam plates. A was with me. We have been dating for a month and the thought of having a boyfriend is still foreign to me but I guess it's something I can get used to. The hardest part has been forgetting about B, whom I will see in about a month. He told me he loved me, then he went away, and now there is a new person who knows nothing about any of my past, a person who wants to spend time with me, a person who is unaware of the fact that a few months ago I told another boy I loved him. And I had meant it.

I had always thought that it was wrong to be involved with a person when you still had feelings for someone else, but I have come to realize that things just don't work out the way you want them to. I had it all planned out--B would go into the army, I would forget about him, I would meet someone else in time and everything would be peaches and rainbows. I don't think it's fair to A to still have feelings for B but I just can't help it. I figure they will fade away in time. I really care so much for A but B was just something else. He made me feel a certain way, he looked at me with a certain fire, he captivated me. A is just so different. He calls when he says he will, he picks me up, pays for dinner, gives me massages without me having to ask, he takes care of me whereas with B I found myself in the nurturing position. I met A's family yesterday. Seeing where he came from made me feel closer to him, like I had validated he was a real person. Today when he was lifting the heavy containers of juice at the Salvation Army I found myself staring at him, with his blonde soft curls and gray sweatshirt, and I thought to myself, "What if I love him?" Sometimes the notion approaches me but I dismiss it. How could I love someone when I had just loved someone else only a few months before? B comes home soon and I don't know what I'll do. I know A is best for me, I know with B I will only get hurt, yet sometimes it's so much more satisfying to choose that which will hurt us. B might not even want anything, he'll probably be so busy making up for lost time that I'll be a mere memory in between his boozing and flirting. I still care for him. I still don't want him to die. I even still love him, even though we are not anything, I love him like I love my friends. I know it would never work out anyway and I hope he finds happiness.

So now I have a boyfriend which means no flirting with guys at parties and no short skirts. You would think that with the advent of a boyfriend the desire to talk to strange men would dissipate but it hasn't. I attribute to the fact that I have not been taken in so long that it's still etched into my brain to go out and get it. I could never hurt A like that. I could never do something with someone else and then fall asleep next to A and have to tell him the day after or live with that guilt. The only thing that worries me is the summer, when I will go home and B will be there and A will not and confusion and temptation will ensue. But no, I'm not the cheating kind, I'm not the cheating kind.