The other day in class my professor called out one young lady for having a Bluetooth so suavely implanted in her ear. Being the old codger he is, the professor mistakenly called it an iPod to which several cheery students piped up with, "NO IT'S NOT AN IPOD, SILLY! IT'S A BLUETOOTH, TEEHEE!" I fail to understand what a yappy cheerleader sitting in the front row of a sociology class is doing with a Bluetooth. Come to think of it I pretty much can't stand any of this new pseudo bigshot technology that plagues society. Unless you are driving there is no use for these frivolous devices. During my indentured servitude as a cashier I have experienced many a customer suddenly and without warning erupting into laughter. Startled, I would look for another human the offending subject might be talking to or at the very least, a cell phone. But no, the person in question was merely communicating with a loved one/friend/boss via a Bluetooth. Why is it called a Bluetooth? Let me get a little Linda Richman when I say, a Bluetooth is neither blue nor a tooth. Talk amongst yourselves.

Then, of course, there are Blackberries, another inappropriately named gadget which people whip out in the hopes that others will marvel at their technological literacy. What is so wrong with investing in a twelve dollar calendar and writing down upcoming important events like they did in the good old days? People need to realize that their lives are not that important. Unless you are a CEO or maybe the president, you don't need a $500 device to remind you of your upcoming root canal. Nobody is impressed by the fact that you own a device that enables you to keep your phone in your back pocket, and, using a glorified hearing aide, lets you engage in conversation. I knew one person who had both a Bluetooth and a Blackberry. He was a business management major which meant he was way more important than me in every feasible way. One time I invited him over to go downtown and drink. He came with his godforsaken Bluetooth in place as though his oh so important manager would call him right in the middle of our getting trashed and the world might possibly end if he missed the call. It's Saturday night, asshole. Business management majors, from my experience, are creepy and have this sense of entitlement, like because they will graduate with the word "business" on their degree they will automatically become rich and hire people to wipe their asses. This same character told me he had already picked out the engagement ring he was going to buy (even though he didn't have a girlfriend at the time) and that it was going to cost $17,000. Please. The only woman I can think of worth this amount of money would be the virgin Mary herself. If any guy told me he was spending that much money on a ring I would tell him to cut the crap and buy me a car instead. Upon my inquiry of why he would dole out such an exorbitant sum for a ring, he informed me that he had a "plan" which included him starting a business and becoming exceedingly wealthy and besides, when he found the "one" she would be worth any amount of money to him. Of course.

As my rant on these useless advances in technology comes to a close, I suggest that anyone who is considering buying a Bluetooth or a Blackberry should sit back and ask yourself if your life is really that important. The answer is probably no. I don't mean that in a degrading way. I'm just trying to say that if a simple calendar and a couple post-its won't suffice and you need a miniature computer to remind you of everyday, simple tasks, then you probably aren't as successful as you think you are and maybe it's time for some re-evaluating. If I stop just one person from pissing away money on these things it will be worth all the world to me.




P.S So Imus made some racist remarks. He lost his job and apologized. Get. over. it.

P.P.S I forgot about those cell phones that play music. It's one thing if you're smart enough to shove headphones into the properly allocated hole, yet so many times as I walk to class people are playing music through their cell phones for all to hear. What a disgrace. My guess is that people seem to think their taste in music is superb and therefore everyone should be immersed in the auditory wonderland that Verizon and other companies provide. I happen to think my taste in music is awesome but I at least keep my opinions to myself by quietly listening to an iPod and not polluting the atmosphere. Some of my friends have these high tech phones and God forbid you accidentally press a button and you're on the internet downloading a music video. I just want to make a call, maybe send a text message, not watch Oprah.