Isn't it a tragedy when you feel one way and try so hard to deny it?

I always thought I knew what I wanted, but of course, as this online journal lays testament, that could not be further from the truth. The past year has been great and I have nothing but kind words for him, but I'm yearning, begging to be free. I want so badly to wake up and know I don't belong to anyone yet I'm too scared to make that leap. What if no one ever loves me again like he does? What if I'm being a fool in throwing him away? I thought, I assumed, that relationships were very simple in nature. If you liked someone and they returned the feeling, you dated. Once you didn't like that person anymore, you broke up. If only this could be a clean sever instead of the bloody mass of meat it is shaping out to be. It's not that I don't like him anymore. We get along great, everything's fine, it's always fine, it's always just too fine and I'm just downright bored. He has been a wonderful person in my life; he's caught my countless tears and whispered words of gentle encouragement when I was in need. But I can't shake off the feeling that I'm being smothered. Women would kill to have a boyfriend like him. A man who calls when he says he will, has a job, a house, a car, a man who would never look at another woman, but I don't want a husband, I want a partner in crime. He's six years my senior and has already graduated from college, found a well-paying, steady job and settled down. He is all about routine and ritual, and while I trust him like no one else, I fear this relationship is turning into a scheduled event instead of an exciting endeavor. Is this how it's supposed to be? Does everyone feel this way? I've never told a man so much about myself as I have him. He has my entire life story boxed up in his memory, he knows me like I know my way home. He is the bright yellow marker in my world of erasable pen and I am forever in debt to him. Yet, there's just something missing, something wrong, something I've been trying to fix and I just can't remedy. I'm 20 years old, I'm graduating in a year and I haven't a clue where I want my life to head, and I'm in a relationship which will either end in marriage or a parting of ways. I can see this all now, even though it's over a year away. I'll either decide to remain close to him or I'll turn away, and the thought of matrimony sounds like a form of punishment. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to waste his time with someone like me who doubts our existence, but I'm just too selfish and insecure to flush it away. I've contemplated ending it before but every time I looked back on a fond memory or shared joke it ripped my insides to know I'd be leaving it all. I'm just so terrified that he is the One and I'm just too stupid to realize it. What if I let him go and I'm never happy again? What if I'm just to naive to realize that real love means not always getting what you want? Do I settle for this good but not great situation, or do I risk it all for something better that might not even be out there at all?

I am seeing him today for the first time in a month. I know my heart will flutter a bit when I lay eyes on his blonde curls, but I'm unsure of what will happen after that. I've had doubts for awhile but I just hoped they'd pass, yet they're still here. I just want some time to be myself, to run around and make mistakes. This is completely and utterly selfish, but what I truly want is to put him on a shelf and come back when I'm ready for him. But people are not pawns, nor are they stagnant creatures. He deserves to live and breathe like I do, and maybe we both need to be free.