Well, it's over. Kind of. The second day he was visiting I unexpectedly broke up with him on my bed. I hadn't even planned on it; the words just came sputtering out like an old engine making its last trip. He had leaned in to kiss me and I just started to cry. He backed away, asking me what was wrong. I wouldn't say anything. What was I supposed to tell him? "You're sick of me? You wanna break up with me?" he said. Yes, yes, yes, I thought. But hearing him say what I had been thinking all along made those thoughts seem sharp and unruly. I felt like a horrid beast, ripping into his soul with merciless fangs. Slowly, bit by bit, I explained to him how I felt. That there was nothing really wrong with our relationship, it was just getting so predictable. And that we're in two different places in our lives and that if I was five years older I'd want to marry him, but I'm not five years older and I don't want to get married. He took it all in and stared at the bed, at me, then back at the bed. He didn't say much. Finally we decided to remain together till he left for home. Then we'd be on a break and when I returned to school I would decide if I wanted to be with him or not. I never thought he'd go for it but he suggested it and it's honestly what I want. I don't want to give him up, I just want a pause. I just want to taste another boy's lips for an hour or so. I just want the smell of someone else's cologne on my shirt sleeve, I just want to hear another voice for a little bit. I just want to get these kinks out of my system and then I'll return to being the nice little monogamous girlfriend. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll fall in love with my freedom and realize I don't want him anymore. I don't know, I just don't know. I feel ugly and unwanted, like no one else will ever find me attractive enough to date. I feel fat and annoying, like no one else will ever think I'm funny.

Before I met him, I used to fantasize about having a boyfriend. I always imagined it would be a fun and carefree endeavor; we would be made for each other and we'd never question it. Oh I was so wrong. Having a boyfriend has not made my life easier nor has it made me any happier. It bothers me when people complain about being single. If you can't be happy when you're single then being in a relationship won't help anything. I haven't had a summer fling in awhile. I'm looking forward to it.