Oh god, they petrify me. And it's because I've been with the same guy for over a year and I've grown completely accustomed to his ways and the thought of being around an unfamiliar man is unbelievably scary.

I'm going on a date, I think. The first one I've been on in a long time. Nothing fancy...we're just going out Thursday night to some bars. This is what I've been wanting for a long time--the freedom to casually socialize with different people--and now I've got it, assuming he doesn't cancel on me. I should be excited, but I'm nervous as anything. What do I wear? What do I say? What if my deodorant runs thin and I begin to smell towards the end of the night? What if we kiss? I can't imagine what kissing anyone else would be like. It would be like plunging off a diving board into a deep, dark pool lined with piranhas. Or it could be like a cool spring evening, dotted with stars and filled with the smell of flowers. Or perhaps it'll just be a brick wall, a moment of nothing, a dud. What will I do then? Start from square one with another victim, I suppose.

I feel as though I am betraying the man I've been with for so long now. Like I'm taking everything we had and throwing it on the floor and watching all the pieces shatter and cut holes in my feet. I know we have our agreement, our pact that we can still hang out but see whomever we choose. But for how long can that house stand? It's not possible, is it, to be with someone but then not fully be with them, and I'm just too stubborn to admit it, to come to terms with the fact that sooner or later I'll have to choose between countless meaningless conversations punctuated by sloppy kisses or the same old story I've been a part of for the past year.

It's like a band-aid, they always say, you just have to tear it off quickly. Yet I feel as though this is a bedsheet full of krazy glue and an operation is needed to pry myself from the relationship I am halfheartedly exiting. This is what I want, this is what I want, I tell myself. I've fought so hard to get to where I am now and I never allowed myself to feel anything but victory. In fact, this is the first time I've actually cried about it. This is the first time the tears are gathering in my palms as I try to slap them away, and this is the first time I feel my heart ripping in two. I'll never love anyone again.